Reaching Across the Isle

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Tea Party favorite Carl Paladino has encountered a few setbacks on his quest to become the next governor of New York State. Assuredly, 99% of all Americans have already concluded that this guy is nothing but a total asshole. However, I submit that this gentleman has been misunderstood. Carl Paladino is the perennial “missing link” between liberals and conservatives – making him an extremely valuable asset to our nation. We have finally found a man who can bridge the widening gap between democrats and republicans and move this country forward.

It is apparent to me that Paladino straddles the political arena like a Colossus… he has a foot firmly planted in each camp. Consider that Paladino has denounced homosexuality as an “abomination before God,” and condemned the private acts of gays as “sexually deviant.” He blasted his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, for taking his daughter to see a Gay Pride parade. Apparently Paladino thinks the sight of gay men gyrating against each other, wearing nothing but Speedos and jock straps, is an inappropriate spectacle for children. Those of you who have witnessed a Gay Pride parade know what he is talking about.

Paladino’s condemnation of homosexuality as “sexually deviant” has earned him big points from the conservative right, as well as the highly-coveted Tea Party endorsement. However, we must not forget that Paladino was busted for forwarding bestiality emails to various friends and acquaintances. More specifically, when Paladino ran across a video clip of a woman having sex with a horse, he personally thought that the video had enough merit to warrant widespread distribution. This proves that Paladino is a “closet liberal,” or at least a man who secretly harbors strong liberal tendencies. In light of this incident, many democrats suspect that Paladino might be pretty cool after all.

Consider too that Paladino loudly proclaims himself to be a champion of traditional family values. Promising to be the Great Defender of Family Values goes a long way with conservatives… campaign contributions continue to flood his coffers. However, we must not forget that Paladino has maintained a relationship with at least one mistress, probably more, in the great democratic tradition of JFK, Hart, Clinton, Ted Kennedy, etc., etc., etc. Paladino’s clandestine encounters became public knowledge after one mistress had his illegitimate baby, which only reinforces my claim that this man has ties to both parties. Paladino’s rhetoric wins him points with republicans because he tells them what they want to hear… but he is simultaneously able to “reach across the isle” and win points with the democrats by having steamy extramarital sex and fathering bastard children out of wedlock.

In his defensive posture, Paladino borrows a page from republican icon Glen Beck by shouting “I’m not perfect” every time someone calls him out for his behavior. Yet he is also able to reach across the isle to the democrats by endorsing their non-judgmental, morally bankrupt “whatever lifestyle choices you make are perfectly fine” philosophy. An asshole? No. This is the most bi-partisan politician we have seen in a long time… and our best hope for bringing people together and uniting this country. Let’s wish him success.