Dirty Little Secret

I know this blog has countless fans, but Jackhammer did receive a complaint yesterday from someone he cares about. “I love your blog,” she said, “but you definitely overdo it with the zombie stuff.”

Because this critic is near and dear to my heart, and because I am fully vested in the concepts of Truth and full disclosure, I decided that it is time for Jackhammer to come clean and reveal his dirty little secret.

First, however, it must be noted that Jackhammer is not the only one investing countless hours preparing for zombie attacks. Did you know that active duty soldiers pass long hours in their barracks talking about what should be done if a zombie walks through the door? How they would react if there was a zombie outbreak on their camp or base?

Did you know the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) has developed plans detailing the military response to such an incident? That the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published documents explaining how a zombie outbreak should be contained? Seriously, did you know that government agencies have spent taxpayer dollars designing elaborate plans for reacting to zombie infestations? Is all this a ridiculous waste of public funds?

In Jackhammer’s opinion, it is not. Jackhammer’s dirty little secret is that if you’re prepared for a zombie attack, then you’re prepared for anything. Furthermore, chew upon this: Is it wise to be branded a “survivalist” or a “prepper”? Do you really want your friends and neighbors to think you’re hunkering down, getting ready for the apocalypse?

The great thing about talking about zombie attacks all the time is that you get a Free Pass for being a crackpot. You can stockpile weapons, ammo, food supplies, water filtration equipment… whatever you think you will need in an emergency. As long as you tell everyone you’re preparing for a zombie attack, nobody takes you seriously. This is a good thing. This is why Jackhammer runs around his front yard stabbing watermelons with a bayonet on his AK-47. I encourage all my followers to behave in a similar fashion… seize every opportunity to be dismissed as a fool.