Friends, Jackhammer is about to embark on his annual vacation. My loyal followers know that Jackhammer routinely visits Sanibel Island, Florida… but it is time to switch things up! This year Jackhammer will vacation in Bermuda, which brings us to the subject of this post.
As a British Crown colony, Bermuda is gripped with the same anti-gun hysteria that has engulfed England for centuries. Even if you can get past the Homeland Security agents at your local airport, who are so paranoid they will not allow you to pass through their gates with a two-inch Leatherman micro-tool, the Bermudian prohibitions against anything that could theoretically be used for self-defense are so formidable that even your “stabby kitty” keychain must remain stateside.
So will Jackhammer be defenseless on his vacation? Not exactly. You see, Jackhammer has mastered the art of unarmed combat – and he encourages all his readers to do the same while there is still time. Jackhammer’s Kung Fu is his best friend… it is always with him, and nobody can ever take it away. I will walk past the Homeland Security agents at the airport with a smug, shit-eating grin on my face, secure in the knowledge that my hands, feet, knees, and elbows are far deadlier than any firearm… at least within 12 feet or less. My most potent and lethal weapons will always be handy.
Faithful readers, sometimes your bare hands are all you have! It is impossible to remain properly armed at all times. Do you carry your AK-47 into the shower with you? At some point you will almost certainly be required to defend yourself without a weapon… hence the word karate literally means “empty hand.” Did you party too hard in Tijuana? If that’s the case, your skills at unarmed combat may be the only thing preventing you from becoming the next Punk Ass Bitch of the Mexican prison yard.
Jackhammer strongly encourages all his followers to turn their bodies into living weapons that nobody can ever take away from you. I’m not talking about some yuppie Tae Kwon Do Academy where you’re expected to bow to ten-year-old “black belts” who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. None of that crap is going to help you in a real-world situation. If you don’t believe me, try throwing a flying roundhouse kick inside a crowded bar. That didn’t work? Sweep the leg, Johnny! No luck? I’m sorry 95% of all street fighters end up grappling on the ground… that’s just reality.
So forget all about those strip mall dojos. Trust me, you need to seek out military training from hardcore instructors who understand that you will be fighting for your life. Their only rule for unarmed combat should be “there are no fucking rules.” If your instructor adds any rules of engagement beyond that, then he is not a warrior and you must seek another trainer. Yes, you will have to steel yourself, mentally and physically. Are you willing to grab another man’s scrotum with your bare hand and crush his testicles into jelly? Are you willing to ram your thumbs through another man’s eye socket and twist them around inside his brain cavity? How bad do you want to survive?
Even with total dedication and unbending intent, it will take you several months of training to reach a minimal level of proficiency… so get started now. Remember, at the time of this writing the apocalypse is only six months away, so prepare for Thunderdome! Cover all your bases – and make a new best friend!
