Booty Call

Friends, this post is long overdue!

Jackhammer must thank his good friends in the Fredericksburg area for their gracious hospitality over the Memorial Day weekend. 

As most of you already know, Jackhammer and some of his North Carolina buddies routinely participate in the annual Rolling Thunder Memorial Day Ride in Washington, D.C. to honor our military veterans.  As usual, Jackhammer & Co. were camping in the Prince William National Forest as they awaited the parade.  However, this year would turn out to be extra special.

Jackhammer led his entourage 30 minutes into Fredericksburg to be treated to a barbeque feast, hosted by (callsigns) Turd, Uncle Ben, and Tommygun.  Even though two of these dudes are DC cops working the night shift, they still arose at 6:00 AM to fire up the smoker and get the meat cooking.  We had barbeque brisket, chicken, and sausage with all the trimmings!  It was fucking awesome!

Best of all, the cookout gave the weary campers a chance to rest and regroup.  These guys lent me shorts so I could take off my hot protective motorcycle gear and relax in a lawn chair... they charged my iPhone... they refilled our whiskey flasks... they provided us with all the cold beer we could drink... we emptied our bladders into their front lawns... we couldn't possibly have been treated any better.  It was an impressive display of Southern hospitality, and we will surely return in future years.

The final event turned out to be a motorcycle race down backcountry roads, where Jackhammer was hard-pressed to keep up with Uncle Ben's BMW.  It was during this high-speed pursuit that one of my improperly-latched saddlebags released at about 85 MPH... and that fucker was a bitch to find in the thick foliage and encroaching darkness.  Nevertheless, the entire team pitched in... Uncle Ben called his supervisor to report that he would be coming into work... later... and we collectively scoured the route until we finally found it.

All things considered, it was the Best of Times.  Jackhammer is looking forward to returning the favor by hosting a party at the lake in the near future.  That adventure will be one for the history books...

Gentlemen, thank you again for everything!

Buck Ofama!

 

Friends, Jackhammer crunches numbers for a living... part of my job is being a Statistical Analysis System (SAS) programmer.  I have done my homework before writing this blog, and after careful analysis, it turns out that my opinions are correct 99.7% of the time.  The bad news is that, by extension, I am wrong 0.3% of the time.  This was the case with my September 30 (2012) post endorsing Barack Hussein Obama.  By the way, has it ever been an insult to any previous president to call him by his full name? 

My shame is greater than you can possibly imagine, for there is no doubt in my mind that my blog delivered North Carolina's 15 electoral votes to this communist motherfucker.  Yes, Obama would have won the election anyway... Obama secured approximately 100% of the black vote, 100% of the Mexican vote, 100% of the gay vote, 100% of the atheist vote, 100% of the liberal vote, as well as anyone else who blames The System for their lack of success in life.  Yet, living with the knowledge that I delivered my home state to this ignorant fool is almost more than I can bear.

I was sorely tempted to delete my previous blog post, but because I am a conservative, I cannot shirk my personal responsibility.  I refuse to blame others for what I did... to assert that I was unduly influenced by my liberal friends... to claim that I was somehow a victim in all of this.  Regardless of the reasons, I did what I did.  I screwed up in the worst of ways, and I must own up to my own mistake.

In case you haven't watched the news in the past seven months, Obama isn't living up to any of his promises.  Now that his re-election worries are over, his second-term agenda is devoted to making every liberal dream come true... at least the vestiges of the liberal dream that weren't already financed by the democratic spending orgy the democrats foisted upon us as "economic stimulus." 

The damage done thus far will probably be enough to turn America into a sickly shadow of its former self.  According to the Washington Post, approximately 47% of Americans now receive some form of government assistance to make ends meet.  According to the International Monetary Fund (IMF), American's national debt will exceed $16.8 trillion dollars by the end of this fiscal year.  Trust me, the human mind cannot conceptualize a number that large.  To help put it in perspective, every man, woman and child in our nation currently owes about $53,400... and our debt is growing at a nauseating $3.78 billion dollars per day.  Per person, an American citizen owes between 35% and 40% more than the citizens of Greece, Italy, or Spain.  Go ahead, liberals... pass all the socialist welfare programs you want so you can feel good about yourselves.  Free food, free housing, and free healthcare for everybody!  The fact that someone (me) has to pay for all the services you want the government to provide is the real inconvenient truth.

 

Keep the faith, liberals.  The percentage of Americans who identify as Christian continues to decline at an accelerated rate.  The fabric of our society is so rent and torn that it is beyond repair.  According to the mainstream media, the vast majority of America universally and wholeheartedly support gay marriage, women serving in military combat positions, amnesty for illegal immigrants, over-the-counter sales of abortion pills (regardless of age or parental consent), gays in the Boy Scouts of America, and gays serving openly in the military.  If you support that last one, check out this video of a gay marine publically kissing his boyfriend... you might change your mind.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLbe9uVl27o

Sadly, things are only going to get much, much worse.  Obamacare is about to hit the fan, and , by any reliable estimate, the cost of quality healthcare is about to go through the stratosphere... at least for those of us who actually pay for it.  Foreign policy blunders like Benghazi, Egypt, and Syria?  The IRS initiative to harass conservative political action groups?  Warrantless investigation of Associated Press journalists?  Umbrella-Gate?  Don't even get me started. 

Are you fucking kidding me?  Where is the Truth?  Where is the most transparent administration in U.S. history that we were promised?  That campaign promise was even more naive than Obama's vow to close the terrorist detention center at Guantánamo Bay. 

Friends, the only hope I see is that The Resistance is finally becoming more organized.  With an unprecedented level of support from the liberal mainstream media, Obama rebranded his campaign to restrict Second Amendment rights as a legislative package to "end gun violence."  Seriously?  Obama wants to burn all of his political capital pursing a socialist agenda that would do absolutely nothing to curtail psychotic rampage shooters like Adam Lanza?  Fortunately, Obama's efforts to restrict gun ownership rights were an epic fail... the surviving vestiges of the American spirit rose up in defiance, and we did not let Barack Hussein Obama wipe his ass with the remaining shreds of our Constitution.  Take heart, fellow patriots.  Hope springs eternal. 

Loyal followers, Jackhammer herby declares it is your civic duty to resist anything and everything that Obama proposes.  Every single aspect of his second-term agenda must be met with steadfast and unyielding resistance.  We now know, with painful clarity, what a fool we're dealing with.  The stakes have never been higher.  We must preserve whatever parts of America that can still be saved.  After the next election, if we get on our knees and beg God for forgiveness and mercy, we may be able to rebuild some of what was destroyed in this liberal crusade.  Pray for a conservative leader to emerge before 2016... pray for another Ronald Reagan.  Pray for grace.  Amen. 

Stay Thirsty, My Friends

Friends, the republican party is in real trouble these days... real trouble.  The percentage of white voters has fallen below 50%, as has the white birth rate.  Most babies being born in America's hospitals are minorities, and that trend continues to steepen.  White parents are opting to have fewer children, or not have children at all... and those who do chose to conceive are waiting longer and longer.  The percentage of Americans who self-identify as Christian is at an all-time low, as the percentage of atheists is growing steadily.  In short, the conservative base is drowning, and it looks like we're going down for the last time.

It has become apparent to the republican leadership that the party will not survive without the support of at least one major minority group.  The consensus is that our best hope lies in the rapidly growing Hispanic population, as they are predominately Christian (Catholic), they denounce abortion, and virtually all Hispanic children are raised in two-parent households.  In some ways, they do share our conservative values. 

Thus, it appears that the republican hopes for the future have been securely pinned to the water-guzzling Senator of Cuban decent, Marco Rubio.  Will he be able to win the Hispanic vote for the conservatives?  Friends, if you believe that then you are living in a fantasy world.  I hate to break the news to you guys, but all Hispanics are not the same.  We harbor Hispanics from Puerto Rico, Cuba, South America, and Mexico.  They are very different, and they do not think the same way.

The republicans seem to think that advancing a conservative Cuban is the answer... and that the Mexican vote can be solidified by selling out to Obama and endorsing his amnesty campaign for illegal immigrants.  No matter who pushes for the assimilation of the illegal Mexicans, it is a recipe for total disaster.  The most reputable studies cite data showing that the average illegal immigrant household receives $46,582 in government subsidies while paying only $11,469 in taxes:

Source:  http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2013/05/the-fiscal-cost-of-unlawful-immigrants-and-amnesty%20to-the-us-taxpayer

Right now every man, woman, and child in America is burdened with $53,400 in federal debt... my family of four owes $213,600 that will never be repaid, and that number is increasing exponentially as Obama is steadily "moving forward" with his second-term agenda.  So what is wrong with adding 11,000,000 new citizens that will be heavily dependent on taxpayer-funded government services to survive?  What can possibly go wrong the this democratic power grab on an epic scale?  Who wouldn't want the US to turn into a giant Mexico?

It's okay, right?  The Mexicans love Americans, right?

Once they become citizens, those fuckers will vote a straight democratic ticket.  As assuredly as the sun sets in the West, the future of socialism will be assured, along with our government's financial defaults, bankruptcy, and economic collapse.  Who gives a fuck?  The Glory Days can't last forever, can they?  All the republicans promise is the freedom to pursue your hopes and dreams with minimal government interference.  The democrats, conversely, promise to give you the money you need to perpetuate the endless cycle of generational poverty, along with the endemic culture of victimization and helplessness.  Would you rather have freedom, or a weekly government check in your mailbox? 

I hate to be the first one to say this, but Marco Rubio is a loser.  Every ethnic group in America that claims a history of abuse and oppression is going to vote for the political party that provides the most government-funded benefits, not the political party that promises the greatest level of freedom.  Voting for Obama's amnesty legislation isn't going to win these parasites over to the conservative side of the isle... and neither is a bumbling presidential candidate of Cuban decent. 

So, at the end of the day, the republican party must continue to thirst for a leader that can unite our nation and restore what we have lost.  Where will we find another Ronald Regan to pull us back from the brink?  In Marco Rubio?  Stay thirsty, my friends.

 

The Sheepdog Concept

“We know that the sheep live in denial; that is what makes them sheep.  They do not want to believe that there is evil in the world. They can accept the fact that fires can happen, which is why they want fire extinguishers, fire sprinklers, fire alarms and fire exits throughout their kids’ schools.  But many of them are outraged at the idea of putting an armed police officer in their kid’s school.  Our children are dozens of times more likely to be killed, and thousands of times more likely to be seriously injured, by school violence than by school fires, but the sheep’s only response to the possibility of violence is denial.  The idea of someone coming to kill or harm their children is just too hard, so they choose the path of denial.

The sheep generally do not like the sheepdog.  He looks a lot like the wolf.  He has fangs and the capacity for violence. The difference, though, is that the sheepdog must not, cannot and will not ever harm the sheep. Any sheepdog who intentionally harms the lowliest little lamb will be punished and removed.  The world cannot work any other way, at least not in a representative democracy or a republic such as ours.

Still, the sheepdog disturbs the sheep.  He is a constant reminder that there are wolves in the land. They would prefer that he didn’t tell them where to go, or give them traffic tickets, or stand at the ready in our airports in camouflage fatigues holding an M-16.  The sheep would much rather have the sheepdog cash in his fangs, spray paint himself white, and go, “Baa.”

Until the wolf shows up. Then the entire flock tries desperately to hide behind one lonely sheepdog.”

– Lt. Col. Grossman

Southern Man

 

Southern man, better keep your head
Don't forget what your good book said
Southern change gonna come at last
Now your crosses are burning fast…

From Neil Young’s “Southern Man”

Friends, it is with great shame that Jackhammer must admit that he was born a Yankee.  Yes, I was born on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, which most people – even the trolls who live in lower Michigan – do not consider part of the United States.  Nevertheless, it is what it is… Jackhammer had no control over where he was born, but he does have control over where he lives now.  As Shakespeare once wrote, “the world is broad and wide.”  With so many options available, should Jackhammer consider relocating to the Great Lakes area?

The possibility of Jackhammer moving north was definitively nixed during my trip to Chicago last summer.  I spent an entire week basking on the shores of Lake Michigan… rediscovering the vicinity… becoming reacquainted with Northern culture.  It was during this week of profound inner reflection that Jackhammer finally realized that Thomas Wolfe was right… you can’t go home again.

Chicago sucks.  Why, you may ask?  What bothered me?  Simply put, it was only the big things and the little things.  The traffic was horrific.  The roads were apocalyptic.  The people were rude, and they wouldn’t look you in the eye.  Crime against law-abiding citizens was rampant, as vicious armed criminals were emboldened by the strictest gun laws in the United States.  The weather in Chicago was cold, foggy, windy, and rainy, even in June.  When Jackhammer finally headed south, the lake's shoreline was being pounded with 12 foot waves. 

Jackhammer quickly grew weary of aggressive bums panhandling in the streets… as well as their nasty attitudes when I refused to hand over my hard-earned money.  These democrats were everywhere, which made walking to my destinations without getting accosted challenging.  Worst of all, the people in Chicago didn’t have any cultural understanding… they didn’t even know that a hot dog “all the way” comes with mustard, chili, and onions.  Instead, they assume you want “the works,” and then hand you some fucked up shit like this:

Jackhammer may have been born in Michigan, but during this trip I realized that I have become a true Southern Man by the grace of God.  A person from the Chicago area, like Barack Obama, can never even begin to understand the way we think… where we’re coming from as we speak from the heart.  Obama's inappropriate remarks about how bitter Southern men cling to our guns and our Christian religion couldn’t be more true.  I embrace his intended insult, and think it ironic that Obama specifically targeted the two aspects of Southern culture upon which we will never compromise.  This should have been enough to alert me to the fact that Barack Obama and I will never share any common ground; clearly, we come from different worlds. 

 

Living in the South is more than smoky racetracks, pulled pork barbeque, apple moonshine, the Appalachian mountains, and grits with red-eye gravy.  It is more than gorgeous girls with tantalizing accents dancing to country music in skimpy halter tops, cowgirl boots, and Daisy Dukes.  Being "Southern" transcends our landscape, and even our cultural heritage… being Southern is a state of mind.  This is a place where the U.S. Constitution still means something… and to us, the individual freedoms guaranteed by that foundational document remain self-evident.  The Southeast is a place where men like me kneel together before the cross and worship without shame… we acknowledge Jesus Christ for who He is.  We teach our children right from wrong… we embrace personal responsibility, and hold ourselves accountable for our own successes and failures.  We do not embrace the "victim mentality" of socialism... we reject government intrusion into our lives... and we would rather die than change our way of life.

There may come a day when Jackhammer will point his Ford F-150 north and return to the Great Lakes region… but my heart will always remain in the Land of the Pines.  To the core of his being, Jackhammer has become a true Southern Man… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I thank God for being so richly blessed.  Amen. 

Blood on the Badge

Mama, take this badge off of me
I can't use it anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark to see
I feel I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

From Bob Dylan's "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"

Much has been written about the Thin Blue Line... the imaginary line of police protection that keeps ordinary citizens as safe as possible from the thugs, murders, rapists, and criminal elements that will always comprise a percentage of our population.  Nevertheless, Jackhammer feels compelled to weigh in on this issue.

Jackhammer has numerous friends in various branches of law enforcement... it would take me a while to count them all.  Why is this?  Jackhammer is an honorary member of the Sheriff's Department, and has been given a badge to that effect... but Jackhammer is careful not to present himself as a sworn officer.  My duties are regulated to "assistance and support," which means I carry illuminated traffic wands and a reflective safety vest under the seat of my truck.  I am not a professional Law Enforcement Officer (LEO) myself, so that cannot explain why so many of my friends wear a badge to work every day.  There must be something more to the attraction... something deeper.  Respect, perhaps?

This issue came to the forefront of my mind when an incident happened at this gas station in Lillington, a place that Jackhammer has often stopped to refuel over the past 20 years. 

Until last year, no officer from Lillington had ever lost his life in the line of duty.  Sadly, Jackhammer must now salute Deputy John Strickland, who was slain by gunfire while attempting to question a suspicious suspect at this gas station.  Now every time I refuel my truck at this location, I wonder if I am standing on the same spot where Deputy Strickland bled out and lost his life.

The thing is, I go to my cushy office job every day without fear.  The most dangerous part of my day is the commute in heavy traffic.  While often harrowing, nobody has shot at me... at least not yet.  Unlike Deputy John Strickland, I am not roaming the streets searching for Jose Trinidad Soto Sanchez, 21, and Jose Juan Alverez, 28, both from neighboring Spring Hope, to charge them with first-degree rape, first-degree kidnapping, and attempted murder.

According to the Harnett County Sherriff, these two men had abducted a 17-year-old girl from her house where she was babysitting her 3-year-old sister.  From there, she was taken to the Cape Fear River where she was sexually assaulted.  After the sexual assault had taken place, she was shot three times in the face, abdomen, and hand, and then left to die in the river. 

Jackhammer salutes all the men and women of law enforcement who risk their lives to stand on the Thin Blue Line.  Jackhammer has the utmost respect for all of you who serve and protect.  I pray that you come home safely every single night... without any blood on your badge.

A Pope Like No Other?

Friends, I'm sorry you've been hungering for my blogs for such a long time.  Jackhammer has been very busy, but will attempt to post as much as possible before the summer classes begin in three weeks.  Word. 

 

Many of you have emailed to inquire about my opinion of the new Pope, and even more of you aggressively campaigned for me to be named the new head of the Catholic Church.  I hate to break it to you guys... yes, I was born Catholic, but have never been active in the organization.  The Pope is chosen from the College of Cardinals, of which I am not a member.  I doubt the Vatican leadership even read your well-intentioned letters...

 

Nevertheless, I refrained from commentary thus far because it has taken me some time to sort out my feelings on this issue.  I was not prepared for Pope Benedict XVI to resign, confessing that he was no longer up to the task.  Plus, I was absolutely nauseated by the liberal media, who was giddy with excitement at the thought of a white Pope being replaced by any ethnic group that can claim a history of abuse and oppression.  In modern times, the highest level leadership vacancies are always filled with a minority candidate.  The liberal press went wild trumpeting their expectations for an African or Hispanic Pope; all Cardinals of white European decent were mentioned only in passing by the press - and then quickly dismissed as a longshot. 

 

Jackhammer was not surprised when Jorge Mario Bergoglio from Argentina was named the next Pope because our society no longer worships God; it worships political correctness.  Selecting a white European male for any high-level leadership position in 2013 would be an unforgivable faux pas, right?  However, Jackhammer has evolved on this issue.  It did not take long for Jorge Mario Bergoglio to win my heart.

 

Friends, this is a Pope like no other.  He will be called Pope Francis I.  Think about that for a moment.  Saint Francis was well-known for his extraordinary dedication to helping the poor... and he was also a powerful player in the Catholic church when it was fighting for its very survival.  Pope Francis certainly has his work cut out for him, and no other name could proffer a stronger declaration of his values.  Declining church membership, a global crisis of faith, the sex abuse scandals and ongoing lawsuits, public adoration for gay marriage, the sexist push to ordain women, the grassroots movement to end the celibacy requirement for priests... and, although little details are available to the public, there have also been widespread, reputable reports of rampant financial corruption reaching to the highest levels of the Vatican.  Who can blame Pope Benedict for throwing in the towel?  Who can pull the church back from the brink of destruction?  Is Pope Francis the answer?

 

The thing is, Pope Francis is proving himself to be a Pope like no other.  Francis has always lived in a modest apartment... he rides the bus to work... he attends soccer games.  Now that he has been named Pope, little has changed.  On the day he became Pope, Francis rode the bus back to his humble apartment.  He insisted on paying his own hotel bill... he even carries his own luggage.  When questioned about his shockingly modest lifestyle, Francis explained that he is setting an example for the priests... he is modeling the behavior he expects henceforth.  It didn't take me long to figure out that things are going to be different under his leadership.

 

 

Francis has already expressed disdain for the Pope Mobile... he doesn't think walls of bulletproof plexiglass should come between the Pope and the faithful masses.  Francis discouraged Catholics from traveling to Rome to witness his ordination, instead encouraging them to donate the money they would have spent for their travel expenses to the poor.  Where did this man come from?  Is it possible that we have finally found a Man of God who actually walks the walk?  A true disciple of Christ?

Jackhammer hereby endorses Pope Francis I with great enthusiasm, and he prays that, with the help of God, Pope Francis will emerge victorious after battling the myriad challenges facing the present-day Catholic church.  We are living in times like no other, and facing challenges like no other.  To ensure the survival of the Catholic church, of the Bride of Christ, we must have a Pope like no other.  Godspeed, Francis.  Godspeed.

 

Time for a Change

We all know that Jackhammer is into preventive maintenance in a big way... I think it is important to take care of your shit.  However, I have found one important aspect of automobile maintenance that had escaped my attention -- the cabin air filter.

I change the engine air filters in my vehicles every six months, regardless of their appearance... but did you know the interior ventilation system uses air filters as well?  The photo above shows how nasty the cabin air filters can get if you don't bother to change them for a few years.  As an added bonus, I was also able to remove a plastic grocery bag that had somehow managed to get sucked into the interior ventilation system.

I'm a big do-it-yourselfer.  The Honda dealer charges 1.5 hours of labor, or about $125.00, to change the cabin air filters on a CRV.  Jackhammer found a YouTube video showing how easy it is to change it yourself in about 30 minutes.  Total cost?  About $13.00. 

Do what Jackhammer did... change your cabin air filters and enjoy some fresh air!

Jackhammer is Crafty !!

Don’t get too excited – this is just a short post.

Here I must pause to address a few concerns that Jackhammer is a little bit too Butch. Trust me, being macho is unintentional… I do like to do rugged, manly things like riding motorcycles, shooting guns, brewing beer… you get the idea. But did you know that Jackhammer has a softer side? That Jackhammer also likes to make arts and crafts?

Here I share but one example. I wish I could claim that I was creative enough to think up this idea by myself, but my close friends would not be fooled anyway so I might as well come clean. I got this idea when I saw a similar item hanging in a bar in Boca Grande a few years ago. But here’s how I made it:

Whenever I guzzle bottles of beer with twist-off bottle caps, I save them. This is a fish I made out of plywood, spray paint, and some of my leftover bottle caps. I cut the fish out of plywood with my saber saw, and then used spray paint to color it silver. I wanted to give the fish “bottle cap scales,” so I got busy trying to glue a carefully-arranged design to the plywood with a hot-melt glue gun. My wife, who has a lot more experience with this sort of thing than I do, felt sorry for me and taught me about a product called “tacky glue.” This turned out to be a much better option for the project.

To my wife’s horror, as soon as the glue dried I immediately hung my fish in a prominent place of honor… it currently adorns our living room, and is the first thing you see when you walk through the door. While she is not as impressed with my artistic ability as I am, she knows how proud I am of my creation and has decided to let it hang. Truly, love conquers all.

Gentlemen, it is time to put down our golf clubs, shotguns, wrenches, and yard tools for a little while. I challenge all of you to get your butts down to your local craft store and stock up on popsicle sticks, beads, yarn, or whatever tickles your fancy… the women in the store will be glad to help you if you need inspiration. But make something today! Be crafty! Jackhammer did.

Jackhammer Brews Beer !!

Yes, it's true! Jackhammer brews beer!

This is Part 1 of a three-part series. Part 1 will discuss Brewing Day, Part 2 will discuss Bottling Day, and Part 3 will feature pictures of Jackhammer chugging the finished product with a beer bong until he has passed out on the lawn.

 Let's start with the most important thing... make sure everything is absolutely clean.  I cannot stress the importance of this if you want good tasting beer.  This photograph is an old one... Jackhammer no longer uses soap to clean his gear because the residue affects carbonation.  Who knew?  Now Jackhammer only uses Oxy-Clean to scrub the hell out of everything, followed by a good soak in a food-grade sanitizer called Star San.

 After making double-sure everything is sterilized, it is time to measure the water and start the boil.  For this recipe, Jackhammer has chosen a liquid malt extract (LME).  Boiling the LME turns the water into wort.  More recently, Jackhammer has graduated to crushing his own grains with a barley mill and making his own grain extract.  When the time is right, add the hops for flavor.  Adding hops sometimes occurs in multiple stages during the boil, and everything must be measured and timed carefully. 

 
Cooling the wort quickly is important... the goal is to reduce the temperature to 70 degrees as quickly as possible.  In this picture Jackhammer is attempting to get the job done with 20 pounds of ice and his kitchen sink.  More recently, he has been using a coiled copper wort chiller and a garden hose - with excellent results.

 
Drain the chilled wort into a santitized primary fermentation unit, otherwise known as a five gallon bucket.

Clean water is added to bring the wort to approximately five gallons. 

 
Stir carefully and check the Original Gravity (OG).  When the wort has reached the proper volume and OG, the alcohol level can be calculated.  Jackhammer aims for maximum alcohol content, just like he did when he used to make illegal hooch in his prison cell.

 
Pitch the yeast!  Yeah, baby!  Now it's time to let the yeast feed on the sugars extracted from the grains, making alcohol as a by-product.  The wort will bubble like crazy for about a week... and will be ready to bottle in about three weeks.  Stay tuned for Part 2!

 

 

Jackhammer Comes Out !!

Hello, old friends.  I know I haven’t posted in a long time… I’m sure some of you were wondering if you would ever hear from me again.  Now that I have re-emerged, I’m sure you didn’t expect me to be sporting this limited edition Obama t-shirt.  Yes, you are correct in noting that this particular t-shirt has a restricted distribution… it can only be obtained by making a substantial contribution to President Obama’s re-election campaign.

I can take no more.  It is finally time for Jackhammer to come out of the closet.

All of you know that I became a Ronald Reagan Republican in the 1980s, and I have remained affiliated with the Republican Party to honor Him and all He has done for our country.  Yet if He were alive today, the Great One would be branded a Republican in Name Only (RINO) and driven out of Washington without a second thought.  Reagan reached across the aisle and worked with the democrats… He compromised… He negotiated… and, when necessary, He even raised taxes.  Reagan put these United States ahead of everything else.  He did what was right.  Reagan took a bullet in service to our country, and then came back to fight some more.

What has become of our party platform?  Since 2008 the republicans have stated that their primary goal is to make Obama a one-term president.  I shake my finger at all of you for dishonoring the memory of the Great One.  Over and over again, I have watched contemporary republicans sabotage the economy…  I have watched them vote against common sense initiatives that they have always supported in the past…  I have watched them manufacture one crisis after another.  Why?  To make the president look bad… to prevent the economy from improving on Obama's watch.  Jackhammer believes that every republican who made ousting the fairly-elected president his or her top priority should be charged with treason and jailed.  You were elected to improve things, not purposefully keep them shitty.

I have watched the President of the United States heckled during a State of the Union address, being called a liar on nation television.  I have followed the birther saga.  I have read ridiculous tripe comparing our president to Hitler and every other boogeyman these United States have ever faced.  I have seen every one of his accomplishments ridiculed, criticized, or overlooked completely.  I have seen the Truth he spoke twisted and warped to serve nefarious purposes.  I have seen his supporters unjustly slandered.  I have witnessed countless racist attacks, including a widely-circulated cartoon depicting the president cultivating a watermelon patch on the White House lawn.  Friends, Jackhammer has had enough.  In fact, I have had more than enough.

The republican alternative?  Mitt Romney?  Are you serious?  This is the best candidate we can advance from our ranks?  Have we fallen so low?  Are things really this bad?  Unfortunately, it gets even worse.  The Republican Party has swung so far to the right that it continues to alienate large numbers of Reagan republicans… not to mention every single non-white, non-male demographic living within our borders.  The defection rate has reached epic proportions, and even Jackhammer agrees that we have no choice but to abandon ship.

I know this evolutionary, revolutionary paradigm shift will surprise many of you.  I apologize for the shock I know this will cause.  Nevertheless, Jackhammer must do the right thing, and he must do the right thing NOW.  My home state is in play… the polls are tied… the outcome is too close to call.  I cannot shirk the responsibility that comes with living in a crucial swing state, and I fully expect my endorsement to tip the scales towards Obama’s favor.  While President Obama is far from perfect, and while I disagree with many of his policies, he remains our best hope for recovery.  I want to believe.  Follow me. 

 

 

 

Last Train to Glory

I ain’t a man of constant sorrow

I ain’t seen trouble all day long

We are only passengers on the Last Train to Glory

That will soon be long, long gone.

It is time for Jackhammer to go on record and straighten out anyone who claims evangelical Christians are not the victims of ridicule and discrimination. The best example that readily comes to mind is quarterback Tim Tebow, who treated the Denver Broncos to a six-game winning streak towards the end of the 2011 NFL season.

There was much talk about this winning streak, which was publically dubbed “The Tebow Train.” Since being named Denver’s starting quarterback beginning with the team’s Week 7 game against Miami, Tebow compiled an 8-5 record, including the playoffs. Over and over, in six of those games, Tebow was able to orchestrate heroic game-winning drives in the fourth quarter and/or overtime… yet he continued to face constant criticism about his lack of ability. Worst of all, he became the subject of open, unchecked ridicule for his Christian faith… at one point he was even openly mocked with a skit on Saturday Night Live. Did you miss it? Let’s just say that the Jewish SNL writers decided it would be funny if Jesus Christ confronted Tebow in the locker room to claim His share of the credit for the Broncos’ gridiron victories.

Tebow is well-accustomed to mockery and ridicule. During his college days, Tebow frequently wrote references to biblical verses on his eye paint. In the 2009 BCS Championship Game, he wore John 3:16 on his eye black; consequently, Google reported over 90 million searches for “John 3:16” over the next 24 hours. What was the NCAA reaction? To issue an edict banning all messages on eye paint. Dubbed “The Tebow Rule,” all college players were henceforth prohibited from following suit.

Despite his amazing performance with the Denver Broncos, one the NFL’s most prestigious and desirable franchises, Tebow was given the boot at the end of the 2011 season. As a reward for his outstanding service, Tebow was traded to the N.Y. Jets – a team universally acknowledged to be the “suckiest” team in the football universe. As Brett Favre will tell you, the N.Y. Jets are the End of the Line.

So… has the Tebow Train reached the End of the Line? Not exactly. The Christians reading this already understand that winning football games is not the most important thing in Tim Tebow’s life. Tebow, you see, is riding a different kind of train… a train Arlo Guthrie called “The Last Train to Glory.” Tebow refuses to be ashamed of his devotion to Christ, probably because scripture makes it painfully clear that our faith must not remain hidden:

• But he that shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven (Matthew 10:33);

• For he that shall be ashamed of Me and My words, in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man also will be ashamed of him, when he shall come in the glory of his Father with the holy angels (Mark 8:38);

• But he that shall deny Me before men shall be denied before the angels of God (Luke 12:9).

Friends, Jackhammer knows in his heart that Tebow is setting the right example… he is showing us The Path. Check your pockets right now and make sure you have your ticket for the Last Train to Glory, for Tebow continues to remind us that this is the only journey that really matters. If you want a ticket and do not have one, all you have to do is get on your knees and ask.

Please check out:   http://tebowing.com/

The Real Issue

At some point every controversy should be put to rest, once and for all. Jackhammer is decided that the time has come to address the “birther” argument – and expose the real issue.

Was Barrack Hussein Obama, the most unlikely of presidents, really born in the United States? Well my loyal friends, there are only two possibilities:

1. The Donald is right. President Obama was born in Kenya, and therefore he is not a real American. There is some excellent photographic evidence to support this theory circulating around the Internet.

2. Obama was born in Hawaii as he claims.

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter.  Even if we give Obama the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that he was born in Hawaii, that still doesn’t make him a real American.

That’s right. I said it. Being born in Hawaii doesn’t count! Hawaii is a small chain of volcanic islands in the middle of the South Pacific. It is over 2,500 miles away from the continental United States. Look at your AAA map of the United States… do you see Hawaii anywhere on it?

Sure, Jackhammer will admit that Hawaiians are allowed to claim a loose affiliation to the Stars & Stripes. Being born in Hawaii is comparable to being born in Puerto Rico, the Philippines, or some other U.S. territory… but that doesn’t make you a “real” American, does it?

So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether Obama is telling the Truth or not. The crux of the matter is that we should be revisiting the Constitutional requirement dictating that every U.S. president must be a natural born citizen. Given the diversity of this nation, does it really matter? Mitt Romney practices the non-mainstream doctrine of Mormonism… so has anyone asked to see his Certificate of Baptism? Are Mormons real Christians? Don’t both of the presidential candidates represent the Fringe Element of mainstream America in some respects?

In the interest of fairness and equality, I propose we cut both of these guys some slack. Obama is an American at heart, and that’s all that really matters.

Jackhammer's Best Friend

Friends, Jackhammer is about to embark on his annual vacation. My loyal followers know that Jackhammer routinely visits Sanibel Island, Florida… but it is time to switch things up! This year Jackhammer will vacation in Bermuda, which brings us to the subject of this post.

As a British Crown colony, Bermuda is gripped with the same anti-gun hysteria that has engulfed England for centuries. Even if you can get past the Homeland Security agents at your local airport, who are so paranoid they will not allow you to pass through their gates with a two-inch Leatherman micro-tool, the Bermudian prohibitions against anything that could theoretically be used for self-defense are so formidable that even your “stabby kitty” keychain must remain stateside.

So will Jackhammer be defenseless on his vacation? Not exactly. You see, Jackhammer has mastered the art of unarmed combat – and he encourages all his readers to do the same while there is still time. Jackhammer’s Kung Fu is his best friend… it is always with him, and nobody can ever take it away. I will walk past the Homeland Security agents at the airport with a smug, shit-eating grin on my face, secure in the knowledge that my hands, feet, knees, and elbows are far deadlier than any firearm… at least within 12 feet or less. My most potent and lethal weapons will always be handy.

Faithful readers, sometimes your bare hands are all you have! It is impossible to remain properly armed at all times. Do you carry your AK-47 into the shower with you? At some point you will almost certainly be required to defend yourself without a weapon… hence the word karate literally means “empty hand.” Did you party too hard in Tijuana? If that’s the case, your skills at unarmed combat may be the only thing preventing you from becoming the next Punk Ass Bitch of the Mexican prison yard.

Jackhammer strongly encourages all his followers to turn their bodies into living weapons that nobody can ever take away from you. I’m not talking about some yuppie Tae Kwon Do Academy where you’re expected to bow to ten-year-old “black belts” who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. None of that crap is going to help you in a real-world situation. If you don’t believe me, try throwing a flying roundhouse kick inside a crowded bar. That didn’t work? Sweep the leg, Johnny! No luck? I’m sorry 95% of all street fighters end up grappling on the ground… that’s just reality.

So forget all about those strip mall dojos. Trust me, you need to seek out military training from hardcore instructors who understand that you will be fighting for your life. Their only rule for unarmed combat should be “there are no fucking rules.” If your instructor adds any rules of engagement beyond that, then he is not a warrior and you must seek another trainer. Yes, you will have to steel yourself, mentally and physically. Are you willing to grab another man’s scrotum with your bare hand and crush his testicles into jelly? Are you willing to ram your thumbs through another man’s eye socket and twist them around inside his brain cavity? How bad do you want to survive?

Even with total dedication and unbending intent, it will take you several months of training to reach a minimal level of proficiency… so get started now. Remember, at the time of this writing the apocalypse is only six months away, so prepare for Thunderdome! Cover all your bases – and make a new best friend!