Hail to the Ch-Ch-Ch-Chief!

My loyal followers will remember that I have touched upon this topic before. However, like star-crossed lovers, it seems that my destiny is intertwined with the Obama Chia Pet.

I will confess that when I first saw the “Obama” line of Chia Pets I did think that they were the coolest thing EVER. But I refrained from owning one because I considered their existence disrespectful to the Office of the President… and some people have claimed that cultivating an herb garden on Obama’s head carries racist overtones. So, in short, I ultimately declined to purchase one.

Imagine my surprise when my wife proudly presented me with an Obama Chia Pet just last week (she doesn’t read my blog and was unaware that I had already wrestled with this moral issue). She had spotted them in the drugstore, and knowing my deep affection for lowbrow humor she promptly bought one as a surprise gift for me. After 20 years of marriage, she even knew that I would prefer the “Determined Obama” version over the “Happy Obama” version.

So, like a bad penny, the Obama Chia Pet issue has resurfaced again. What could I do? I didn’t want to hurt my wife’s feelings. Furthermore, secretly, in my heart-of-hearts, I still thought that they were funny and cool. So I carefully planted the seeds on Obama’s head and let it rest on my kitchen countertop.

As Spartacus once said, “a man must embrace his fate or be destroyed by it.” As I watched Obama’s head growing herbs over the past several days, I realized that the Determined Obama Chia Pet and I were meant to be together. Every morning when I pour my coffee I find inspiration in Obama’s determined visage… and now I begin each day by stepping into the morning sunshine and shouting “YES WE CAN!”

Reaching Across the Isle

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Tea Party favorite Carl Paladino has encountered a few setbacks on his quest to become the next governor of New York State. Assuredly, 99% of all Americans have already concluded that this guy is nothing but a total asshole. However, I submit that this gentleman has been misunderstood. Carl Paladino is the perennial “missing link” between liberals and conservatives – making him an extremely valuable asset to our nation. We have finally found a man who can bridge the widening gap between democrats and republicans and move this country forward.

It is apparent to me that Paladino straddles the political arena like a Colossus… he has a foot firmly planted in each camp. Consider that Paladino has denounced homosexuality as an “abomination before God,” and condemned the private acts of gays as “sexually deviant.” He blasted his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, for taking his daughter to see a Gay Pride parade. Apparently Paladino thinks the sight of gay men gyrating against each other, wearing nothing but Speedos and jock straps, is an inappropriate spectacle for children. Those of you who have witnessed a Gay Pride parade know what he is talking about.

Paladino’s condemnation of homosexuality as “sexually deviant” has earned him big points from the conservative right, as well as the highly-coveted Tea Party endorsement. However, we must not forget that Paladino was busted for forwarding bestiality emails to various friends and acquaintances. More specifically, when Paladino ran across a video clip of a woman having sex with a horse, he personally thought that the video had enough merit to warrant widespread distribution. This proves that Paladino is a “closet liberal,” or at least a man who secretly harbors strong liberal tendencies. In light of this incident, many democrats suspect that Paladino might be pretty cool after all.

Consider too that Paladino loudly proclaims himself to be a champion of traditional family values. Promising to be the Great Defender of Family Values goes a long way with conservatives… campaign contributions continue to flood his coffers. However, we must not forget that Paladino has maintained a relationship with at least one mistress, probably more, in the great democratic tradition of JFK, Hart, Clinton, Ted Kennedy, etc., etc., etc. Paladino’s clandestine encounters became public knowledge after one mistress had his illegitimate baby, which only reinforces my claim that this man has ties to both parties. Paladino’s rhetoric wins him points with republicans because he tells them what they want to hear… but he is simultaneously able to “reach across the isle” and win points with the democrats by having steamy extramarital sex and fathering bastard children out of wedlock.

In his defensive posture, Paladino borrows a page from republican icon Glen Beck by shouting “I’m not perfect” every time someone calls him out for his behavior. Yet he is also able to reach across the isle to the democrats by endorsing their non-judgmental, morally bankrupt “whatever lifestyle choices you make are perfectly fine” philosophy. An asshole? No. This is the most bi-partisan politician we have seen in a long time… and our best hope for bringing people together and uniting this country. Let’s wish him success.

Where to Shoot a Zombie

I am posting this blog with a sense of urgency, because I have already waited far too long to address this topic and convey this essential information to my readership. Knowing the most efficient way to dispatch a zombie will soon be of paramount importance.

We’ve all seen movies where desperate citizens fire countless bullets into the chests of advancing zombies. They hammer away at “center mass” without effect, emptying their magazines, while the zombies continue to advance relentlessly. If you are one of the movie’s audience members who insists on shouting “shoot it in the head,” then shame on you. You are only watching a movie and the actors cannot hear you. However, if you are educated enough to know that zombies must be shot in the head then you are, at least, on the right track.

Zombies will only be neutralized if their brain matter suffers significant trauma after reanimation. But here is where you must learn that precision is important, especially if you are facing large numbers of zombies and ammunition is limited (which it always is). Forget those English and Japanese zombie movies written by dorks who have never seen a handgun in real life. Your gun will not fire all day long without reloading like it does in those movies. Trust me on this.

A trained gunfighter determined to survive a deadly confrontation will aim for one of two areas. These are the most critical and vulnerable areas on the human body… trauma in either of these areas will likely result in death. The first and most commonly targeted area is the Thoracic Triangle, which can be seen if you envision a triangle drawn between the adversary’s two nipples and his Adam’s apple.


Since body armor has become commonly available, criminals have begun wearing it more often in the commission of violent crimes. Consequently, any police officer will tell you that they also practice targeting the Cranio-Ocular Triangle… that is the target zone you must hit to neutralize an armored attacker or a zombie. In this case, envision a triangle drawn between the two eyebrows and the mustache.

I advise my readers to become intimately familiar with the Cranio-Ocular Triangle and, whenever possible, practice targeting this zone using appropriate paper or cardboard targets at the shooting range. A solid hit to this zone will cause the massive brain trauma necessary to render the zombie incapable of continued aggression. Conversely, hits outside of this area will have limited effects. Aim carefully, and make every shot count.

The Way I See It

One of the most enlightening books I’ve ever read is called “A Framework for Understanding Poverty” by Ruby Payne. In the book Payne talks extensively about the different world paradigms harbored by the poor, the middle class, and the rich. Most importantly, it talks about how the most pressing issues confronting us today are, for lack of a better term, middle class problems.

Consider two biggies: Taxes and health care. There are government services for the poor, such as Medicare and Medicade… most states have implemented supplemental healthcare programs for the poor as well. And the rich? If you had a couple million dollars in the bank, would you care that healthcare premiums just increased by 13% (average) across the nation due to Phase 1 of Obamacare? Or would you even bother paying $500 a month for health insurance if you were wealthy enough to dispatch a million-dollar illness with your checking account?

Taxes affect the middle class in much the same way as healthcare. The poor pay virtually nothing in taxes. And the rich? The Average Working Joe who uses TurboTax knows nothing about juggling offshore investment accounts in the Cayman Islands… the advantages of a Swiss bank account… or how to buy gold in Singapore and then sell it in Rome. You know you’ve arrived when your taxes are done by a law firm full of tax attorneys.

The way I see it, the pig on the bottom represents the middle class, and the pig on the top represents the government. I thought it might be helpful to put this relationship into terms that even a farmboy can understand. That’s just the way it is.

Oetzi the Iceman

The following is an excerpt from "When I was Kid, This Was a Free Country," by G. Gordon Liddy. This passage explains one quick and easy way mainstream scientists determine if the remains of ancient humans were those of a slave, or those of a free man:

“When they found the man they called ‘The Iceman’ in the Italian Alps on 19 September 1991, he had been dead an estimated five thousand years. Yet he was all there, preserved perfectly by the cold, complete with his possessions. The Iceman was not the first human found in a preserved state ages after death. In Scandinavia and England, peat bogs had yielded similar remains. Examination of the bog finds showed that the dead had been slain, some by garrote, some with a hole in their heads from a puncture wound. These men had only their clothing with them. They were captives, perhaps, or criminals who had been executed. What the bog men had in common was that they were not free.

The Iceman, by contrast, was found in possession of state-of-the-art weapons. He had a six-foot longbow, the same size used by English bowmen more than four thousand years later to defeat heavily armored French nights at the Battle of Agincourt. It was a remarkably powerful weapon when one considers that the Iceman was a mere five feet two inches tall. His ammunition was fourteen arrows held in a beautiful deerskin quiver. He had an ash-handled, flint-bladed dagger and something that astounded the experts – a nearly pure copper Remedello-style axe, something so advanced for five thousand years ago that National Geographic commented, ‘It was as if the tomb of a medieval warrior had yielded a modern rifle.’

All of which was evidence that the Iceman was a free man. Since the dawn of history, free men have been armed with the most up-to-date weapons capable of being carried by hand. Arms are the mark of a free man.”

Who You Gonna Call?

This post pertains to the latest wave of reality TV shows that feature desperate, sleazy, sex-starved housewives. Many of the housewives I've seen on TV lately dress (and act) like retired porn stars. Since I figure they probably pass the time between "Jerry Springer" and "Oprah" by reading my blog, I thought I would share a bit of information they might find interesting. On my way to work I saw a van from "Schwartz Plumbing Co." I'm sorry the photo is a little grainy. I took it with my blackberry while driving down the road, and I was laughing so hard my hand was shaking. But if any desperate housewives need someone to work on their plumbing, I suggest they call this man. He says he has a tool that can fix anything...

Retard of the Year

As you may have heard, 49-year-old Donna Sykes decided to visit her daughter Jesse at UNC-Chapel Hill and spend the night in her dorm room. Why the hell not? Jesse would be the coolest girl on campus with her mother sleeping in her dorm room. Who wouldn't want to date a girl like that?

In case you didn't see it coming, Mom rolled out of her bunk in the middle of the night -- and ended up dying of a head injury. Maybe college dorm rooms weren't designed for 49-year-olds? I have a feeling Darwin would love to comment on this issue.


UNC-CH was established in 1789, and this is the first time a retard died of a head injury while sleeping in a dorm room. Nevertheless, the university's reaction was swift and decisive: The administration is spending approximately $250,000 to outfit all 8,500 beds with safety rails... your tax dollars are hard at work.


I agree that college life has become more dangerous than it used to be. The modern "keg stand" doesn't look like a good idea to me. But I assume that sooner or later someone's mother will sustain a neck injury trying to do a keg stand at her son's fraternity party, and all kegs will be banned from campus.