Jackhammer is Crafty !!

Don’t get too excited – this is just a short post.

Here I must pause to address a few concerns that Jackhammer is a little bit too Butch. Trust me, being macho is unintentional… I do like to do rugged, manly things like riding motorcycles, shooting guns, brewing beer… you get the idea. But did you know that Jackhammer has a softer side? That Jackhammer also likes to make arts and crafts?

Here I share but one example. I wish I could claim that I was creative enough to think up this idea by myself, but my close friends would not be fooled anyway so I might as well come clean. I got this idea when I saw a similar item hanging in a bar in Boca Grande a few years ago. But here’s how I made it:

Whenever I guzzle bottles of beer with twist-off bottle caps, I save them. This is a fish I made out of plywood, spray paint, and some of my leftover bottle caps. I cut the fish out of plywood with my saber saw, and then used spray paint to color it silver. I wanted to give the fish “bottle cap scales,” so I got busy trying to glue a carefully-arranged design to the plywood with a hot-melt glue gun. My wife, who has a lot more experience with this sort of thing than I do, felt sorry for me and taught me about a product called “tacky glue.” This turned out to be a much better option for the project.

To my wife’s horror, as soon as the glue dried I immediately hung my fish in a prominent place of honor… it currently adorns our living room, and is the first thing you see when you walk through the door. While she is not as impressed with my artistic ability as I am, she knows how proud I am of my creation and has decided to let it hang. Truly, love conquers all.

Gentlemen, it is time to put down our golf clubs, shotguns, wrenches, and yard tools for a little while. I challenge all of you to get your butts down to your local craft store and stock up on popsicle sticks, beads, yarn, or whatever tickles your fancy… the women in the store will be glad to help you if you need inspiration. But make something today! Be crafty! Jackhammer did.

Jackhammer Brews Beer !!

Yes, it's true! Jackhammer brews beer!

This is Part 1 of a three-part series. Part 1 will discuss Brewing Day, Part 2 will discuss Bottling Day, and Part 3 will feature pictures of Jackhammer chugging the finished product with a beer bong until he has passed out on the lawn.

 Let's start with the most important thing... make sure everything is absolutely clean.  I cannot stress the importance of this if you want good tasting beer.  This photograph is an old one... Jackhammer no longer uses soap to clean his gear because the residue affects carbonation.  Who knew?  Now Jackhammer only uses Oxy-Clean to scrub the hell out of everything, followed by a good soak in a food-grade sanitizer called Star San.

 After making double-sure everything is sterilized, it is time to measure the water and start the boil.  For this recipe, Jackhammer has chosen a liquid malt extract (LME).  Boiling the LME turns the water into wort.  More recently, Jackhammer has graduated to crushing his own grains with a barley mill and making his own grain extract.  When the time is right, add the hops for flavor.  Adding hops sometimes occurs in multiple stages during the boil, and everything must be measured and timed carefully. 

 
Cooling the wort quickly is important... the goal is to reduce the temperature to 70 degrees as quickly as possible.  In this picture Jackhammer is attempting to get the job done with 20 pounds of ice and his kitchen sink.  More recently, he has been using a coiled copper wort chiller and a garden hose - with excellent results.

 
Drain the chilled wort into a santitized primary fermentation unit, otherwise known as a five gallon bucket.

Clean water is added to bring the wort to approximately five gallons. 

 
Stir carefully and check the Original Gravity (OG).  When the wort has reached the proper volume and OG, the alcohol level can be calculated.  Jackhammer aims for maximum alcohol content, just like he did when he used to make illegal hooch in his prison cell.

 
Pitch the yeast!  Yeah, baby!  Now it's time to let the yeast feed on the sugars extracted from the grains, making alcohol as a by-product.  The wort will bubble like crazy for about a week... and will be ready to bottle in about three weeks.  Stay tuned for Part 2!

 

 

Jackhammer Comes Out !!

Hello, old friends.  I know I haven’t posted in a long time… I’m sure some of you were wondering if you would ever hear from me again.  Now that I have re-emerged, I’m sure you didn’t expect me to be sporting this limited edition Obama t-shirt.  Yes, you are correct in noting that this particular t-shirt has a restricted distribution… it can only be obtained by making a substantial contribution to President Obama’s re-election campaign.

I can take no more.  It is finally time for Jackhammer to come out of the closet.

All of you know that I became a Ronald Reagan Republican in the 1980s, and I have remained affiliated with the Republican Party to honor Him and all He has done for our country.  Yet if He were alive today, the Great One would be branded a Republican in Name Only (RINO) and driven out of Washington without a second thought.  Reagan reached across the aisle and worked with the democrats… He compromised… He negotiated… and, when necessary, He even raised taxes.  Reagan put these United States ahead of everything else.  He did what was right.  Reagan took a bullet in service to our country, and then came back to fight some more.

What has become of our party platform?  Since 2008 the republicans have stated that their primary goal is to make Obama a one-term president.  I shake my finger at all of you for dishonoring the memory of the Great One.  Over and over again, I have watched contemporary republicans sabotage the economy…  I have watched them vote against common sense initiatives that they have always supported in the past…  I have watched them manufacture one crisis after another.  Why?  To make the president look bad… to prevent the economy from improving on Obama's watch.  Jackhammer believes that every republican who made ousting the fairly-elected president his or her top priority should be charged with treason and jailed.  You were elected to improve things, not purposefully keep them shitty.

I have watched the President of the United States heckled during a State of the Union address, being called a liar on nation television.  I have followed the birther saga.  I have read ridiculous tripe comparing our president to Hitler and every other boogeyman these United States have ever faced.  I have seen every one of his accomplishments ridiculed, criticized, or overlooked completely.  I have seen the Truth he spoke twisted and warped to serve nefarious purposes.  I have seen his supporters unjustly slandered.  I have witnessed countless racist attacks, including a widely-circulated cartoon depicting the president cultivating a watermelon patch on the White House lawn.  Friends, Jackhammer has had enough.  In fact, I have had more than enough.

The republican alternative?  Mitt Romney?  Are you serious?  This is the best candidate we can advance from our ranks?  Have we fallen so low?  Are things really this bad?  Unfortunately, it gets even worse.  The Republican Party has swung so far to the right that it continues to alienate large numbers of Reagan republicans… not to mention every single non-white, non-male demographic living within our borders.  The defection rate has reached epic proportions, and even Jackhammer agrees that we have no choice but to abandon ship.

I know this evolutionary, revolutionary paradigm shift will surprise many of you.  I apologize for the shock I know this will cause.  Nevertheless, Jackhammer must do the right thing, and he must do the right thing NOW.  My home state is in play… the polls are tied… the outcome is too close to call.  I cannot shirk the responsibility that comes with living in a crucial swing state, and I fully expect my endorsement to tip the scales towards Obama’s favor.  While President Obama is far from perfect, and while I disagree with many of his policies, he remains our best hope for recovery.  I want to believe.  Follow me. 

 

 

 

Last Train to Glory

I ain’t a man of constant sorrow

I ain’t seen trouble all day long

We are only passengers on the Last Train to Glory

That will soon be long, long gone.

It is time for Jackhammer to go on record and straighten out anyone who claims evangelical Christians are not the victims of ridicule and discrimination. The best example that readily comes to mind is quarterback Tim Tebow, who treated the Denver Broncos to a six-game winning streak towards the end of the 2011 NFL season.

There was much talk about this winning streak, which was publically dubbed “The Tebow Train.” Since being named Denver’s starting quarterback beginning with the team’s Week 7 game against Miami, Tebow compiled an 8-5 record, including the playoffs. Over and over, in six of those games, Tebow was able to orchestrate heroic game-winning drives in the fourth quarter and/or overtime… yet he continued to face constant criticism about his lack of ability. Worst of all, he became the subject of open, unchecked ridicule for his Christian faith… at one point he was even openly mocked with a skit on Saturday Night Live. Did you miss it? Let’s just say that the Jewish SNL writers decided it would be funny if Jesus Christ confronted Tebow in the locker room to claim His share of the credit for the Broncos’ gridiron victories.

Tebow is well-accustomed to mockery and ridicule. During his college days, Tebow frequently wrote references to biblical verses on his eye paint. In the 2009 BCS Championship Game, he wore John 3:16 on his eye black; consequently, Google reported over 90 million searches for “John 3:16” over the next 24 hours. What was the NCAA reaction? To issue an edict banning all messages on eye paint. Dubbed “The Tebow Rule,” all college players were henceforth prohibited from following suit.

Despite his amazing performance with the Denver Broncos, one the NFL’s most prestigious and desirable franchises, Tebow was given the boot at the end of the 2011 season. As a reward for his outstanding service, Tebow was traded to the N.Y. Jets – a team universally acknowledged to be the “suckiest” team in the football universe. As Brett Favre will tell you, the N.Y. Jets are the End of the Line.

So… has the Tebow Train reached the End of the Line? Not exactly. The Christians reading this already understand that winning football games is not the most important thing in Tim Tebow’s life. Tebow, you see, is riding a different kind of train… a train Arlo Guthrie called “The Last Train to Glory.” Tebow refuses to be ashamed of his devotion to Christ, probably because scripture makes it painfully clear that our faith must not remain hidden:

• But he that shall deny Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven (Matthew 10:33);

• For he that shall be ashamed of Me and My words, in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man also will be ashamed of him, when he shall come in the glory of his Father with the holy angels (Mark 8:38);

• But he that shall deny Me before men shall be denied before the angels of God (Luke 12:9).

Friends, Jackhammer knows in his heart that Tebow is setting the right example… he is showing us The Path. Check your pockets right now and make sure you have your ticket for the Last Train to Glory, for Tebow continues to remind us that this is the only journey that really matters. If you want a ticket and do not have one, all you have to do is get on your knees and ask.

Please check out:   http://tebowing.com/

The Real Issue

At some point every controversy should be put to rest, once and for all. Jackhammer is decided that the time has come to address the “birther” argument – and expose the real issue.

Was Barrack Hussein Obama, the most unlikely of presidents, really born in the United States? Well my loyal friends, there are only two possibilities:

1. The Donald is right. President Obama was born in Kenya, and therefore he is not a real American. There is some excellent photographic evidence to support this theory circulating around the Internet.

2. Obama was born in Hawaii as he claims.

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter.  Even if we give Obama the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that he was born in Hawaii, that still doesn’t make him a real American.

That’s right. I said it. Being born in Hawaii doesn’t count! Hawaii is a small chain of volcanic islands in the middle of the South Pacific. It is over 2,500 miles away from the continental United States. Look at your AAA map of the United States… do you see Hawaii anywhere on it?

Sure, Jackhammer will admit that Hawaiians are allowed to claim a loose affiliation to the Stars & Stripes. Being born in Hawaii is comparable to being born in Puerto Rico, the Philippines, or some other U.S. territory… but that doesn’t make you a “real” American, does it?

So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether Obama is telling the Truth or not. The crux of the matter is that we should be revisiting the Constitutional requirement dictating that every U.S. president must be a natural born citizen. Given the diversity of this nation, does it really matter? Mitt Romney practices the non-mainstream doctrine of Mormonism… so has anyone asked to see his Certificate of Baptism? Are Mormons real Christians? Don’t both of the presidential candidates represent the Fringe Element of mainstream America in some respects?

In the interest of fairness and equality, I propose we cut both of these guys some slack. Obama is an American at heart, and that’s all that really matters.

Jackhammer's Best Friend

Friends, Jackhammer is about to embark on his annual vacation. My loyal followers know that Jackhammer routinely visits Sanibel Island, Florida… but it is time to switch things up! This year Jackhammer will vacation in Bermuda, which brings us to the subject of this post.

As a British Crown colony, Bermuda is gripped with the same anti-gun hysteria that has engulfed England for centuries. Even if you can get past the Homeland Security agents at your local airport, who are so paranoid they will not allow you to pass through their gates with a two-inch Leatherman micro-tool, the Bermudian prohibitions against anything that could theoretically be used for self-defense are so formidable that even your “stabby kitty” keychain must remain stateside.

So will Jackhammer be defenseless on his vacation? Not exactly. You see, Jackhammer has mastered the art of unarmed combat – and he encourages all his readers to do the same while there is still time. Jackhammer’s Kung Fu is his best friend… it is always with him, and nobody can ever take it away. I will walk past the Homeland Security agents at the airport with a smug, shit-eating grin on my face, secure in the knowledge that my hands, feet, knees, and elbows are far deadlier than any firearm… at least within 12 feet or less. My most potent and lethal weapons will always be handy.

Faithful readers, sometimes your bare hands are all you have! It is impossible to remain properly armed at all times. Do you carry your AK-47 into the shower with you? At some point you will almost certainly be required to defend yourself without a weapon… hence the word karate literally means “empty hand.” Did you party too hard in Tijuana? If that’s the case, your skills at unarmed combat may be the only thing preventing you from becoming the next Punk Ass Bitch of the Mexican prison yard.

Jackhammer strongly encourages all his followers to turn their bodies into living weapons that nobody can ever take away from you. I’m not talking about some yuppie Tae Kwon Do Academy where you’re expected to bow to ten-year-old “black belts” who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. None of that crap is going to help you in a real-world situation. If you don’t believe me, try throwing a flying roundhouse kick inside a crowded bar. That didn’t work? Sweep the leg, Johnny! No luck? I’m sorry 95% of all street fighters end up grappling on the ground… that’s just reality.

So forget all about those strip mall dojos. Trust me, you need to seek out military training from hardcore instructors who understand that you will be fighting for your life. Their only rule for unarmed combat should be “there are no fucking rules.” If your instructor adds any rules of engagement beyond that, then he is not a warrior and you must seek another trainer. Yes, you will have to steel yourself, mentally and physically. Are you willing to grab another man’s scrotum with your bare hand and crush his testicles into jelly? Are you willing to ram your thumbs through another man’s eye socket and twist them around inside his brain cavity? How bad do you want to survive?

Even with total dedication and unbending intent, it will take you several months of training to reach a minimal level of proficiency… so get started now. Remember, at the time of this writing the apocalypse is only six months away, so prepare for Thunderdome! Cover all your bases – and make a new best friend!

The Young and the Restless

The time has come for Jackhammer to throw a bone to the fans of daytime drama.

More specifically, Jackhammer has decided that henceforth he will be posting commentary and in-depth analysis of the Young and the Restless on the following site: http://www.cbs.com/shows/the_young_and_the_restless

I have decided to make this move in response to popular demand, and this is proof that I do appreciate and consider all the feedback I receive from my fans. You see, Jackhammer knew that many of you depended upon my wisdom to help you navigate through life… yet thanks to your letters, I have come to see that you would appreciate my guidance with the popular daytime drama as well.

I understand your confusion with the show. The Young and the Restless features multiple plot strands running concurrently, as well as a cast of 50+ complex characters – many of whom rotate in and out in (apparently) random order. Additionally, the social nuances of the diverse social and economic classes… the long and sorted histories of the characters… the intricate web of betrayal, deceit, and deception… it is perfectly understandable why you would want my help with this.

Jackhammer will therefore make all things clear to you, including these burning questions:

• Will Victor and Nikki ever reconcile? Hint: Jack and Kyle will not be a consideration!

• What are the implications of Phyllis telling Michael that she threatened her former psychologist? Hint: Unlike Heather, Michael’s new appointment has already put him on a power trip!

• Can Catherine convince Ashley to give Tucker another chance? Hint: Genevieve is a bigger factor than Catherine realizes!

• Will Neil be able to score with Harmony? Hint: Neil doesn’t know it yet, but he will have to compete with Sarge to win her heart!

• How come the marriage between Kevin and Chloe will never last? Hint: It doesn’t have anything to do with Angelina and Carmine!

• What is Ricky is planning to do to Daisy and Tim before he writes his tell-all book? Hint: Once again, Daniel won’t be able to save the day!

• Why Lauren is going to end up with Paul. Hint: Who makes her feel safe, and who makes her feel like she’s in even greater danger?

• Why Billy is going to get what’s coming to him – and lose little Johnny in the process. Hint: Victoria is acting more and more like her father’s daughter!

• Best of all, I will explain why Adam and Chelsea are the show’s real perfect couple!

I know this has whetted your appetite in a big way… so visit link above on a regular basis to read Jackhammer’s commentary! If you have any specific questions you would like me to address, please submit them to me and I will prioritize them by the number of submissions and respond to them as soon as I can. Enjoy!