By now everyone knows that the Research in Motion (RIM) Blackberry is the “Swiss Army Knife” of the modern cubicle dweller. Yes, I know I may hear some crap from the iPhone crowd, but the Blackberry is my “weapon of choice” because:
a) It’s been business-oriented since its inception (allowing me to seamlessly integrate all my work, university, and personal shit onto one device), and
b) I don’t want to have to deal with AT&T (and if you go with the iPhone, you have no other choice).
But now that I’m making lists, I might as well get to the main point of this blog. Here are 10 reasons why Leroy should get a Blackberry:
1. It’s an awesome MP3 player… superior to the iPod in many ways. It will, for example, play any radio station streaming over the internet (hundreds of them) in real time – while showing you the song lyrics and everything! Buy and download the music you like while you’re listening. I bought a 16 GB Micro SD card… I’ve loaded over 1,000 songs onto it, and it’s not even close to full capacity. Listen to music over the built-in speaker, or just plug in your headphone and rock out. It’s always with you, right? No need to carry a separate iPod device.
2. Closely germane to #1, you have multimedia capabilities. Need a 3.0 megapixel camera – with a flash? Built right in. Leave that antique floppy drive shit at home! There’s plenty of room on the 16GB Micro SD card. Need a video camera? Built right in. Need a tape recorder? Built right in. Buy a Blackberry and you become a walking Best Buy store!
3. Native applications (major). It comes with a bunch of standard productivity software I find incredibly useful. Need an address book with infinite pages? Got it. Need a calendar and appointment book? Got it. Need to generate a few “to do” lists? Got it. Need to check all eight of your email accounts? Go for it! The Blackberry with synch with them all!
4. Native applications (minor). These make the Blackberry a Swiss Army Knife. Think of all the other little shit you’ve always got right at your side. Need a calculator? You got one. Need a memo pad to write something down? You’ve got one. Need an alarm clock? You’ve got one. Need a flashlight? You got one. Need a paperweight? You got one. Need to open a bottle of beer? You’re S.O.L. (which is a MAJOR design flaw in the Blackberry case design)!
5. It’s the ultimate USB flash drive. Need to truck a PowerPoint presentation to the meeting? No problem. How about some Word documents… and a few Excel spreadsheets? No problem. Need somewhere to store your porn? No problem. Download to the Blackberry in USB mode and you’re good to go.
6. Entertainment during boring meetings. Send secure text messages making fun of the boss. Play cool games like Tiger Woods PGA Tour (parental discretion advised), Brickbreaker, video poker, solitary, or hundreds of other games. Or why not just surf the internet? Check the BCCA chapter postings and see if anyone found any cool dumpers last weekend. Write a new blog. Turn useless time into fun time.
7. Unlimited information. Aside from being able to Goggle stuff at will, you get free downloads from mainstream media. Currently my Blackberry gets regular news updates from USA today (awesome!), the BBC, CBS News, and Time magazine. But you can link to just about any news source you want and get automatic updates. And don’t forget the new “natural disaster app” and other alerts that can be sent straight to your phone. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility…
8. It’s a GPS. No kidding, the Blackberry Tour is also a GPS. Need turn-by-turn directions to the titty bar? No problem. Want to consult Google Maps to find the nearest ABC store? No problem. Want to see real-time weather radar maps centered over your current location? No problem – and the Blackberry will even throw in a five-day forecast free of charge.
9. Communication and Networking. The world wants more Leroy! With a Blackberry, you always have ready access to Facebook. You can update your FB status while you’re taking a crap. You can send and receive Twitter tweets instantly throughout the day. You can take cool photographs and upload them straight to your Facebook page… or email the photo directly to selected friends. Or send the photo along with a text message. Better yet, you can receive texts, pictures, videos, etc., from your friends instantly – from anywhere in the country. With a Blackberry, you’re never out of touch.
10. I almost forgot. It’s a phone! But not just any phone. Most carriers offer affordable plans that include free long distance… with unlimited nights and weekends. We never use our land line for long distance calls anymore, and the money we used to pay for long distance service every month pays for a good chunk of my cellular plan. We could talk more often… and could communicate during a zombie invasion, asteroid strike, or other major emergency.
I know Leroy doesn’t like cell phones because “they’re rude.” I agree that many people don’t seem to understand cell phone etiquette… that’s why local businesses have started posting signs like “please conclude your cell phone conversation before approaching the teller,” or “we will be happy to assist you when you have finished your cell phone conversation.” Yes, I get pissed off on a frequent basis when assholes refuse to follow cellular etiquette… but that doesn’t mean I should refuse to get a Blackberry because of their rude actions.
Leroy should do what I did… get a Blackberry and use it appropriately.
a) It’s been business-oriented since its inception (allowing me to seamlessly integrate all my work, university, and personal shit onto one device), and
b) I don’t want to have to deal with AT&T (and if you go with the iPhone, you have no other choice).
But now that I’m making lists, I might as well get to the main point of this blog. Here are 10 reasons why Leroy should get a Blackberry:
1. It’s an awesome MP3 player… superior to the iPod in many ways. It will, for example, play any radio station streaming over the internet (hundreds of them) in real time – while showing you the song lyrics and everything! Buy and download the music you like while you’re listening. I bought a 16 GB Micro SD card… I’ve loaded over 1,000 songs onto it, and it’s not even close to full capacity. Listen to music over the built-in speaker, or just plug in your headphone and rock out. It’s always with you, right? No need to carry a separate iPod device.
2. Closely germane to #1, you have multimedia capabilities. Need a 3.0 megapixel camera – with a flash? Built right in. Leave that antique floppy drive shit at home! There’s plenty of room on the 16GB Micro SD card. Need a video camera? Built right in. Need a tape recorder? Built right in. Buy a Blackberry and you become a walking Best Buy store!
3. Native applications (major). It comes with a bunch of standard productivity software I find incredibly useful. Need an address book with infinite pages? Got it. Need a calendar and appointment book? Got it. Need to generate a few “to do” lists? Got it. Need to check all eight of your email accounts? Go for it! The Blackberry with synch with them all!
4. Native applications (minor). These make the Blackberry a Swiss Army Knife. Think of all the other little shit you’ve always got right at your side. Need a calculator? You got one. Need a memo pad to write something down? You’ve got one. Need an alarm clock? You’ve got one. Need a flashlight? You got one. Need a paperweight? You got one. Need to open a bottle of beer? You’re S.O.L. (which is a MAJOR design flaw in the Blackberry case design)!
5. It’s the ultimate USB flash drive. Need to truck a PowerPoint presentation to the meeting? No problem. How about some Word documents… and a few Excel spreadsheets? No problem. Need somewhere to store your porn? No problem. Download to the Blackberry in USB mode and you’re good to go.
6. Entertainment during boring meetings. Send secure text messages making fun of the boss. Play cool games like Tiger Woods PGA Tour (parental discretion advised), Brickbreaker, video poker, solitary, or hundreds of other games. Or why not just surf the internet? Check the BCCA chapter postings and see if anyone found any cool dumpers last weekend. Write a new blog. Turn useless time into fun time.
7. Unlimited information. Aside from being able to Goggle stuff at will, you get free downloads from mainstream media. Currently my Blackberry gets regular news updates from USA today (awesome!), the BBC, CBS News, and Time magazine. But you can link to just about any news source you want and get automatic updates. And don’t forget the new “natural disaster app” and other alerts that can be sent straight to your phone. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility…
8. It’s a GPS. No kidding, the Blackberry Tour is also a GPS. Need turn-by-turn directions to the titty bar? No problem. Want to consult Google Maps to find the nearest ABC store? No problem. Want to see real-time weather radar maps centered over your current location? No problem – and the Blackberry will even throw in a five-day forecast free of charge.
9. Communication and Networking. The world wants more Leroy! With a Blackberry, you always have ready access to Facebook. You can update your FB status while you’re taking a crap. You can send and receive Twitter tweets instantly throughout the day. You can take cool photographs and upload them straight to your Facebook page… or email the photo directly to selected friends. Or send the photo along with a text message. Better yet, you can receive texts, pictures, videos, etc., from your friends instantly – from anywhere in the country. With a Blackberry, you’re never out of touch.
10. I almost forgot. It’s a phone! But not just any phone. Most carriers offer affordable plans that include free long distance… with unlimited nights and weekends. We never use our land line for long distance calls anymore, and the money we used to pay for long distance service every month pays for a good chunk of my cellular plan. We could talk more often… and could communicate during a zombie invasion, asteroid strike, or other major emergency.
I know Leroy doesn’t like cell phones because “they’re rude.” I agree that many people don’t seem to understand cell phone etiquette… that’s why local businesses have started posting signs like “please conclude your cell phone conversation before approaching the teller,” or “we will be happy to assist you when you have finished your cell phone conversation.” Yes, I get pissed off on a frequent basis when assholes refuse to follow cellular etiquette… but that doesn’t mean I should refuse to get a Blackberry because of their rude actions.
Leroy should do what I did… get a Blackberry and use it appropriately.
Here's the thing. Leroy likes the idea that if you want to make a phone call you'll need to get your fat fucking lazy ass out of your oversized SUV and find a phone. One without a chair on the side of a cold rainy road near some low rent looking bar.
ReplyDeleteThat ought to be enough incentive for people to leave me alone unless it's really urgent (or you were stupid enough to buy some of my bad debt).
I'd be inclined to agree with you about the phone etiquette thing except that I never see anyone being polite. No one behaves with a phone, it must be hardwired in those oversized monkey brains to try to peck tiny keys while operating a 3 ton truck or standing in the center of the grocery store aisle.
Also, you may think that people can't notice you working out your thumb under the table while we are rolling through our Powerpoint masterpiece but we do and we're hurt by it.
I spent two hours trying to resize the font on that damn thing so it would be appealing and you better be sitting there with a corporate boner watching intently.
That said, there are some things that would be cool, even I have to admit. Like being able to stalk chicks I lusted after 20 years ago on Facebook or knowing the coordinates that would be programmed into the cruize missile with my name on it.
MP3 Player? Don't own one. Ever since they did away with the black fuzzy earphone and demanded that everyone walk around with a pair of hominy corn kernels in their ears I've sworn off these things.
Besides, I'm sure the guy in the car next to me wants to hear my cheap ass speakers rattling out cRap music at 120 decibles so I'd better not be antisocial right?
However, in order not to disappoint my massive fan base I'll take it under advisement. Still, I'm gonna need that churchkey app.