Very Bad Things

It is time for me to comment on a topic that’s been in the news a lot lately. I’m talking about Four Loko, the strong malt beverage with 12% alcohol content – along with a hefty dose of caffeine. As shown in the picture from my own personal collection, Four Loko comes in a wide variety of fruit flavors including (but not limited to) fruit punch, grape, lemonade, orange, lemon-lime, watermelon, and blue raspberry.

By way of background, www.urbandictionary.com explains that Four Loko got its name because the consumer typically passes through four stages of crazy:

1. Tipsy (loud, stumbling, laughing, etc.)
2. Drunk (stumbling around, slight slur, etc.)
3. Wasted (heavy slur, falling, hitting on fat chicks, etc.)
4. Black Out (no ability to speak, vomiting, memory loss, etc.)

What is in this shit? A comprehensive review of recent media reports produced conflicting estimates. Some claim that a typical 24 ounce serving contains as much alcohol as 2-3 beers and one cup of coffee… other estimates claim that each can contains as much alcohol as 7-8 beers and 3-4 cups of coffee. The most scientific study I could locate was at www.WebMD.com. The researchers found that “one can of Four Loko for a 120 pound woman could raise her blood alcohol level to .21 and that’s almost 3 times the legal limit.”

By this point it should be clear to you why the beverage has become wildly popular with college students. However, there is more. The samples of Four Loko pictured above were recently purchased for $2.18 a can (plus the obscenely high state sales tax). At this price everyone can afford to get wasted, and virtually any girl becomes a very cheap date. Even if you have to pour two cans of Four Loko into her instead of one, your total investment is still under five bucks to get her ready for love.



Drinks with high alcohol content, however, are nothing new to college campuses. What makes Four Loko so controversial is that it is heavily fortified with caffeine, which tends to mask the intoxicating effects of alcohol. Consequently, partiers falsely assume that they’re doing great… the confidence boost that accompanies heavy drinking is amplified even further. Skyrocketing blood alcohol levels, excessive confidence, and dramatically impaired judgment usually lead, predictably, to very bad things.





Many states have already banned Four Loco, and my own state is following suit. The governor has declared that all samples of Four Loko must be pulled from store shelves within the week. The manufacturer of Four Loco has promised to remove the caffeine from future productions. Meanwhile, angry college students have vowed to retaliate by mixing the neutered beverage with Red Bull and other stimulants to restore its kick.

Should we be glad that our government has, once again, intervened to save us from ourselves? You will have to decide that issue for yourself. All Jackhammer can do is present the facts and let you draw your own conclusions. If you’re undecided, I encourage you to attend a college party and slam a few Four Loco drinks for yourself while you still can. Who knows? Maybe you’ll even learn why the beverage is nicknamed “Blackout in a Can.”