The Christmas season is hard upon us. Actually, the greedy merchants in my area tried to kick off the Christmas shopping season in October (no kidding). Nevertheless, the nightly news is full of sales analyses, with noted economists talking about the financial boon shoppers are bringing to local businesses. Sales are always brisk between Thanksgiving and Christmas, right?
Well, apparently some highly-specialized businesses don’t benefit from the traditional holiday shopping sprees, and they actually find their sales slipping during this time of year. I’m talking about companies that specialize in “cryonics,” which is the cryogenic freezing of humans in the hope of future restoration. For those with no religious convictions, for those who put all their faith in science, cryonics provides the best possibility of eternal life.
One such Russian company, named KrioRus, has tried to remedy sagging revenues with a holiday sales promotion they’re calling the “Atheist Special.” You see, during the Christmas season the thoughts of Christians turn to the birth of Christ… the life of the Messiah… and His kingdom in heaven. This is the holiest of seasons. This time of year is held so sacred that even Senate republicans refuse to work. In the month of December no True Believer wants to think about freezing his head in a bucket of liquid nitrogen.
Well, apparently some highly-specialized businesses don’t benefit from the traditional holiday shopping sprees, and they actually find their sales slipping during this time of year. I’m talking about companies that specialize in “cryonics,” which is the cryogenic freezing of humans in the hope of future restoration. For those with no religious convictions, for those who put all their faith in science, cryonics provides the best possibility of eternal life.
One such Russian company, named KrioRus, has tried to remedy sagging revenues with a holiday sales promotion they’re calling the “Atheist Special.” You see, during the Christmas season the thoughts of Christians turn to the birth of Christ… the life of the Messiah… and His kingdom in heaven. This is the holiest of seasons. This time of year is held so sacred that even Senate republicans refuse to work. In the month of December no True Believer wants to think about freezing his head in a bucket of liquid nitrogen.
Hence the “Atheist Special.” Normally KrioRus charges $10,000 to freeze a decapitated head, or $30,000 to freeze an entire body. Both of these options, I hope, are only implemented after the person’s death. But if you happen to be a professed, confirmed atheist, you can save 15% if you sign the necessary legal contracts before December 31. It goes without saying that you must pay all fees upfront to take advantage of this special discount.
If you’re scratching your head right now, consider this. The 2010 median income for a United States worker was $46,326. If you attend church on a regular basis, you are inevitably hit up for a customary 10% tithe, right? Well, that adds up to $9,265 over a two-year period. What is going to benefit you more? Which option is going to give you the best shot at eternal life? Should you invest in two years of church membership, or bank your hard-earned money with KrioRus?
Ultimately, only you can make that choice. All Jackhammer can do is present the viable options and let you make your own decision. It must be noted, however, that while KrioRus is quite willing to explain how your head will be frozen, they are unwilling to articulate how they plan to thaw you out at some future date. I’m assuming this will be a long, slow process… and that it will likely involve a Sears Kenmore microwave on the lowest possible “defrost” setting. After that? Your head must be attached to… to… something… but I’m sure KrioRus will be able to find something to sew it onto.
Remember this is a limited time offer, so my atheist friends must act quickly. Take care, and good luck.
I think having your body frozen is just a scam. Unless you are particularly noteworthy in some way, why would anyone ever want to thaw you out?
ReplyDeleteIt's not like the world population is showing signs of dropping or anything.
I'd say being human is enough reason for future humanists to reanimate you if the contingent trust fund trick isn't enough. The tech for doing so is unknown at this time of course (I don't know why anyone expects it to be otherwise). It's a fundamentally good idea, because technology continues to advance -- and, unless your religion says otherwise, you're 100% dead without it.
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time understanding the humorous defense mechanism so many people seem to react with on the topic. If cryonics works it's anything but funny. It's a real life-saver, like CPR or defibrillators (except the part where you end up getting bumped a few centuries into the future in the process). Evidently the uncertainty places it in taboo territory for a lot of people.
Note that the ice cube picture is a bit misleading. In today's cryonics world there are procedures to eliminate ice crystal formation (the resulting state is vitrification, not technically freezing). The cryoprotectants that do so are toxic, but there's a fair chance the toxicity mechanisms are fundamentally reversible (a few denatured proteins, etc.).
Full body is of mainly cosmetic interest at this point, given that most organs will probably need replaced by regrowing them from stem cells. (The spinal column may be of value though if you want to retain skills stored there, e.g. how to play the piano.) On the plus side there's a good chance the new body will be young, thin, and perhaps even genetically touched up a bit compared to your current one.
I dunno if I'd entrust my frozen head to a bunch of Russians. It might end up on ebay one day...
ReplyDelete