Accidental Porn?

I don't know... maybe my mind's in the gutter. But this free sample mysteriously appeared in my mailbox, and I'm not sure it's appropriate to be mailing these things to people. After all, some of them might be under 18.

Maybe it's okay, but if I created a tasty new treat I don't think I would call it a "Big Nut Bar." And then there's this:

This is supposed to be a WD-40 knock off... but does it really need to be called "Lube Job Super Penetrant"? Maybe the creators were trying to go "one up" on WD-40 by suggesting that their product not only costs less, but has additional uses.

While the references above might be considered accidental porn, I'm pretty sure that the good folks at Richbrau were trying to make some sort of innuendo when they named their beer "Big Nasty Porter."

Again, maybe I'm just taking these things the wrong way and everything's completely innocent. But a "Big Nut" or a "Lube Job" or a "Big Nasty" sounds like things I would try to get if I went on a date with a hot girl. I'm looking forward to hearing what you guys think -- please post a comment and let me know if these products lead your mind in the same direction (or not).

A Great Vacation House... UNLESS...

Last fall we traveled to Boone, NC to do the usual mountain stuff. We marveled at the leaves changing color... ate some good food... did some shopping... tipped over a few cows... but none of those activities are relevant to this posting. I'm writing to pass on an important safety tip that you probably haven't considered, but may someday save your life.

I'm assuming that most of you reading this blog have invested a huge amount of time and effort preparing for the zombie invasion that is to come. If you've been slacking and your preparations are running behind schedule, shame on you! But again, that's not the point.

You may have turned your primary residence into the ultimate zombie-proof fortress, but is that really going to help you if the outbreak occurs while you're on vacation? When you're planning your weekend getaway, do you automatically book the first rental you can find? Such haste could cost you dearly. Jackhammer is warning all of you to consider the possibility, however remote, that a zombie plaque could explode and spread like wildfire when you're trying to chill away from home.

Consider, for example the lovely rustic cabin rented by my in-laws during our mountain excursion. Blissfully unaware of the potential zombie menace, the fools selected this cabin for its spectacular view and remote location. While the "remote location" aspect of this dwelling is indisputably positive, its inherent drawbacks are too severe to be overlooked. This is a frontal view of the house:

As you can probably tell, this is a three-story house build on the side of a very steep hill. The back of the house, pictured below, gives a better perspective.

As you can see, things aren't all bad. The ground falls away sharply from the rear, which would greatly slow -- but not stop -- the uncoordinated shamblings of the walking dead. And yes, there is a small bi-level deck on the rear of the house. This excited me as well, since the boards could be pulled up fairly easily if we suddenly needed wood to barricade the doors and windows.

But these final photos, below, portray the extent of our vulnerability and the cause of my concern.

In short, the house was built to allow easy ground-level access to the first and second floors. Even worse, the lip of front porch roof is only about six feet off the ground -- well within the reach of an average-sized zombie. Also, if the zombies arrive in large numbers, it would be ridiculously easy for them to "ramp up" to the nearly-flat porch rooftop -- followed by an easy stroll through the panoramic third floor windows.

A house with ground-level access on all three floors is virtually indefensible against a zombie hoard! For crying out loud, what the hell were the builders thinking? If you need any further evidence that the architect had his head up his ass, just look at the glass walls of the front vestibule, the all-glass exterior doors, and the giant picture windows lighting every single room!

I spent the whole weekend biting my tongue, agonizing over whether or not I should educate my in-laws about the clear and present danger we might be facing. Neither the loaded Glock under my pillow, nor the sharpened machete in my closet, provided any comfort in the midnight hours.

You are correct in thinking "well if he's writing this then obviously he survived the weekend." But just because the zombie outbreak didn't happen that particular weekend doesn't mean the possibility wasn't there. Like I said, it could happen at any time -- even when you're on vacation chillaxing with a 40. So why take foolish risks by renting an indefensible location? How did the Germans manage to bomb Pearl Harbor successfully? How did the World Trade Centers fall on 9/11? Because we were caught napping with our pants down, that's why.

So let's learn from our past mistakes and be prepared. Vigilance is never punished... only rewarded.

Ten Arcane Skills That Will Be Lacking After the Apocalypse (listed in order of importance)

1. Beer Brewing / Wine Making / Liquor Distilling. I’m talking about making beer, wine, and liquor from scratch. Sure, I’ve brewed a few batches of homemade beer… but I use pre-packaged, premeasured ingredient kits so that doesn’t count. I’m talking about brewing and distilling from nothing but the rawest of materials… wild wheat, barley, corn, and other grains. Moonshiners will have an advantage here…

2. Farming and Gardening. How many of us know anything about farming any more? The family farms are disappearing rapidly, replaced by mega-farms owned by corporate conglomerates. How many people under 40 know how to prepare, plant, maintain, and harvest a garden? And then “can” the produce in mason jars to eat during the winter months? My guess is less than 5 percent. Why bother when you can buy three cans of green beans for a dollar at Food Lion all year long?

3. Metalworking and Fabrication. Remember when they used to teach “metalworking” in high school? Not anymore… now we just shove the little shits behind computer keyboards. But even with guys who are reasonably handy around the house, how many of them can actually fabricate a needed part from raw metal stock? Even technical tradesmen have evolved into a “remove and replace” mindset… they run tests to find the bad component and swap out whatever failed with a new one. But what if new parts become unobtainable?

4. Gunsmithing. It should be fairly easy to find a good gunsmith in a city the size of Raleigh, right? No? What if you expand your search into to surrounding communities of Garner, Cary, Apex, etc? Maybe you know something I don’t, but the closest gunsmith I’ve found that will repair a non-functioning firearm is in Fayetteville – 90 minutes away. I’m assuming the police and other agencies that use firearms must have their own in-house gunsmith… but I submit that this skill is becoming a lost art. I guess I should also include the ability to reload spent shell casings into this category.

5. Alternative Medicine / Herbal Pharmacology. Americans are demanding free, high-quality healthcare for all, right? Well… good luck finding a skilled urologist after the apocalypse. People have become used to running to medical specialists for their every ailment… and the old-fashioned home remedies have been abandoned (even the ones that worked). How many of us know how to gather medicinal herbs in the wild, and/or administer them appropriately? Or how to set broken limbs? You get the idea.

6. Sewing. How many women under 40 know anything at all about sewing? How many college-age girls can sew a dress? My mother and grandmother used to store hundreds of patterns and sew all different kinds of clothes from whatever materials were available. The younger generation, conversely, cannot stitch torn pants, replace a zipper, or even sew on a button.

7. Butchering and Buccaneering. I think buccaneering is the right word. The original buccaneers were the dudes who smoked and dried meat to sell to sailing ships, right? But how many modern citizens know how to butcher and clean an animal? A few hunters who actually eat their prey, I suppose… not the ones who shoot deer just to cut off their antlers. But even fewer people can turn meat into jerky for long-term storage.

8. Orienteering. This was actually a PE class at my university, and I’ve always wished that I had taken it when I had the chance. How many of us can navigate across vast tracts of wilderness? If you think you can because you have a road map and a GPS, you’d better think again. The roads will be impassible with abandoned cars…bridges and tunnels blown… gasoline and GPS batteries unattainable… so your AAA map isn’t going to be much help. I’m talking old-school navigation here. Look at the sun, the stars, the planet Venus (which is visible even in daylight)… maybe even learn how to use that old thingy… what’s it called? Oh – a compass!

9. Barter and Trade. This is a closely guarded secret, but I might as well let the cat out of the bag since the end is near: the money in your wallet hasn’t really been worth anything since 1933 when the United States government abandoned the gold standard. Our modern currency only buys us things because, in our minds only, it is somehow worth more than the paper it’s printed on. But after the apocalypse people will see “floated” money for what it really is… so barter and trade will form the basis of post-apocalyptic commerce. But this too is a lost art… I’ve practiced it at the car dealership a few times, but nowhere else.

10. Archery / Snaring / Trapping / Fishing. In this broad category I’m going to place every way that man ventures into the wild and secures protein without modern luxuries, like firearms and ammunition. Sure, you can shoot a rabbit… but can you set a snare line and trap them? Can you dig a bear pit that works? Can you fashion a fishing pole from an old tree branch and dig grubs as bait?

Again, these skills were once commonly known among the American people… the same Americans who baked pies from scratch, repaired their own cars, and even made their own lye soap. The end of the world is approaching once again (in 2012 this time). Better learn these skills now while you still can.

Rise of the Evil Machines

Last time I heard, the state of North Carolina didn’t have two nickels to rub together. Maybe that explains the aggressive “Powersave” features of my arch-nemesis: the network printer.

If this machine isn’t used every 30 seconds, it goes into “Powersave” mode – which basically means that it shuts down and won’t do a damn thing until it warms back up again. I often become enraged when I’m standing in front of it waiting for my document to print. While I fidget in the workroom, the printer’s LCD screen slowly scrolls an endless list of stupid messages every fucking time I try to print something:

WARMING UP……….… CLEANING……...… CALIBRATING……...…CHECKING SUPPLIES….…ORDER YELLOW TONER SOON…. VERIFYING……. TESTING….… GENUINE HP SUPPLIES INSTALLED….… PRINTING…….

All this drama before printing is very confusing to me. If the printer really does need to constantly clean, calibrate, and do a bunch of bullshit to itself, why doesn’t it do those things when nobody is using it? Why does it wait until I’m trying to print the final draft of my report, seconds before The Big Meeting, to perform all those stupid maintenance tasks? Better yet, can’t it do all that crap after it prints my document so I don’t have to stand there waiting for it to finish masturbating?

But even after I finally get the printer to function, I’m not out of the woods yet: The only thing worse than the network printer is the office copier.

Like the network printer, the copier automatically switches into “sleep mode” to save electricity whenever it’s not in constant use. Somehow it is able to slip into “Powersave” mode in a split second… but then it mysteriously takes several minutes to warm up whenever anyone needs to use it. Then, like the printer, it’s got to calibrate itself, check toner levels, and do 10 other self-maintenance tasks that it could have been doing when nobody was using it.

I’m wondering how much money the state is saving by activating these tree-hugging features. I’m guessing that these infuriating lapses into “Powersave” are saving the government about five bucks a month in electricity costs. A good thing, right? But when you consider the fact that the state is paying me $4.50 an hour for my time, and that I have to stand there doing nothing while the office machines slowly fight their way back to consciousness, the overall savings are either negligible or non-existent.

10 Reasons Why Leroy Should Get a Blackberry

By now everyone knows that the Research in Motion (RIM) Blackberry is the “Swiss Army Knife” of the modern cubicle dweller. Yes, I know I may hear some crap from the iPhone crowd, but the Blackberry is my “weapon of choice” because:

a) It’s been business-oriented since its inception (allowing me to seamlessly integrate all my work, university, and personal shit onto one device), and

b) I don’t want to have to deal with AT&T (and if you go with the iPhone, you have no other choice).

But now that I’m making lists, I might as well get to the main point of this blog. Here are 10 reasons why Leroy should get a Blackberry:

1. It’s an awesome MP3 player… superior to the iPod in many ways. It will, for example, play any radio station streaming over the internet (hundreds of them) in real time – while showing you the song lyrics and everything! Buy and download the music you like while you’re listening. I bought a 16 GB Micro SD card… I’ve loaded over 1,000 songs onto it, and it’s not even close to full capacity. Listen to music over the built-in speaker, or just plug in your headphone and rock out. It’s always with you, right? No need to carry a separate iPod device.

2. Closely germane to #1, you have multimedia capabilities. Need a 3.0 megapixel camera – with a flash? Built right in. Leave that antique floppy drive shit at home! There’s plenty of room on the 16GB Micro SD card. Need a video camera? Built right in. Need a tape recorder? Built right in. Buy a Blackberry and you become a walking Best Buy store!

3. Native applications (major). It comes with a bunch of standard productivity software I find incredibly useful. Need an address book with infinite pages? Got it. Need a calendar and appointment book? Got it. Need to generate a few “to do” lists? Got it. Need to check all eight of your email accounts? Go for it! The Blackberry with synch with them all!

4. Native applications (minor). These make the Blackberry a Swiss Army Knife. Think of all the other little shit you’ve always got right at your side. Need a calculator? You got one. Need a memo pad to write something down? You’ve got one. Need an alarm clock? You’ve got one. Need a flashlight? You got one. Need a paperweight? You got one. Need to open a bottle of beer? You’re S.O.L. (which is a MAJOR design flaw in the Blackberry case design)!

5. It’s the ultimate USB flash drive. Need to truck a PowerPoint presentation to the meeting? No problem. How about some Word documents… and a few Excel spreadsheets? No problem. Need somewhere to store your porn? No problem. Download to the Blackberry in USB mode and you’re good to go.

6. Entertainment during boring meetings. Send secure text messages making fun of the boss. Play cool games like Tiger Woods PGA Tour (parental discretion advised), Brickbreaker, video poker, solitary, or hundreds of other games. Or why not just surf the internet? Check the BCCA chapter postings and see if anyone found any cool dumpers last weekend. Write a new blog. Turn useless time into fun time.

7. Unlimited information. Aside from being able to Goggle stuff at will, you get free downloads from mainstream media. Currently my Blackberry gets regular news updates from USA today (awesome!), the BBC, CBS News, and Time magazine. But you can link to just about any news source you want and get automatic updates. And don’t forget the new “natural disaster app” and other alerts that can be sent straight to your phone. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility…

8. It’s a GPS. No kidding, the Blackberry Tour is also a GPS. Need turn-by-turn directions to the titty bar? No problem. Want to consult Google Maps to find the nearest ABC store? No problem. Want to see real-time weather radar maps centered over your current location? No problem – and the Blackberry will even throw in a five-day forecast free of charge.

9. Communication and Networking. The world wants more Leroy! With a Blackberry, you always have ready access to Facebook. You can update your FB status while you’re taking a crap. You can send and receive Twitter tweets instantly throughout the day. You can take cool photographs and upload them straight to your Facebook page… or email the photo directly to selected friends. Or send the photo along with a text message. Better yet, you can receive texts, pictures, videos, etc., from your friends instantly – from anywhere in the country. With a Blackberry, you’re never out of touch.

10. I almost forgot. It’s a phone! But not just any phone. Most carriers offer affordable plans that include free long distance… with unlimited nights and weekends. We never use our land line for long distance calls anymore, and the money we used to pay for long distance service every month pays for a good chunk of my cellular plan. We could talk more often… and could communicate during a zombie invasion, asteroid strike, or other major emergency.

I know Leroy doesn’t like cell phones because “they’re rude.” I agree that many people don’t seem to understand cell phone etiquette… that’s why local businesses have started posting signs like “please conclude your cell phone conversation before approaching the teller,” or “we will be happy to assist you when you have finished your cell phone conversation.” Yes, I get pissed off on a frequent basis when assholes refuse to follow cellular etiquette… but that doesn’t mean I should refuse to get a Blackberry because of their rude actions.

Leroy should do what I did… get a Blackberry and use it appropriately.

Jackhammer's Summer Vacation

Okay… I know this post is long overdue. But it’s time for me to comment on last month’s vacation to Sanibel Island, Florida. For those who don’t know, Sanibel Island is located off the West Coast of Florida… almost directly across from Fort Myers. A causeway connects Sanibel to Fort Myers if you can afford the six dollar (!) toll.

Sanibel Island is about 12 miles long and 3 miles across… but the majority of the island is a protected wildlife preserve (a.k.a., an alligator infested swamp). There are no fast food restaurants, no stoplights, and nothing to interest someone looking for a wild time.

Still, Sanibel provides 15 miles of unspoiled beaches, 22 miles of bike paths, and an awesome golf course -- where I was almost bit by an alligator, no kidding. But let me start with the bike trails, which are truly amazing. The paved trails traverse the whole island… in fact, some parts of the island are only accessible via the bike trails. But you’d better be prepared to peddle because no motorized vehicles are permitted on these paths. As you can see, Jackhammer had to resort to “peddle power” to get around… but at least I got to spend the entire week on two wheels.

The beaches are pristine and unspoiled, as advertised. Those looking for empty beer cans, discarded liquor bottles, soiled condoms, loud music, and vomiting teenagers will have to journey north. The view of the Gulf of Mexico is splendid. As you can see from these photos, it was the perfect place for an aging Jackhammer to relax and unwind.

Sanibel can be extraordinarily hot and humid… probably because it’s in Southern Florida. But whenever it got too hot, Jackhammer would try to cool off by taking a swim in the ocean. It helped some… but as my grandfather proclaimed, “this water is as warm as piss.” And watch out for hungry bull sharks.

In summation, Sanibel is the prefect place to get away from it all. The days were spent biking, golfing, swimming, whatever. But in the evening Jackhammer would shower to wash away the day’s accumulation of sweat, sand, salt, and sunblock. After a good meal, he could stroll along the beach, savor a spectacular sunset, and think pensive thoughts. Sanibel Island is a great place to lose yourself, and a great place to find yourself. By the end of the week I felt so centered and so focused. I could really dig living there all year long, and hated to see the vacation come to an end.

Eat at McDonald's !!

Guys, something isn’t right.

After returning from my recent vacation I checked the balances in my bank accounts. I realized that taking the whole tribe to Florida had cost more than I expected (expect a blog about Jackhammer’s vacation to be posted soon). Therefore, I concluded that it was time to “economize” for a little while and recover financially.

So around lunch time I headed down to the local Harris Teeter grocery store to partake of their latest special deal – a six-inch sub sandwich from the deli counter for only $2.99. I didn’t pull out a tape measure or anything, but the sandwich looked a little small. So I absentmindedly grabbed a bag of chips and a can of Chunky soup to go along with it.

Imagine my horror at the checkout register when my lunch purchases totaled $10.87 – and I didn’t even buy a drink to go with it !! WTF is going on here??!! Now I will admit that I never paid much attention to the cost of groceries up to this point. I have developed a bad habit of tossing stuff into the cart… I pay for my family’s food with my debit card, and when you pay electronically it’s not like you’re spending real money, right?

I looked at my receipt in the parking lot to see if there was some kind of mistake. I just about went into shock when I saw that a bag of potato chips cost $3.79 plus tax. I’m posting a picture of the chips as evidence because this story is so hard to believe.

My shock and awe was compounded when I realized that the grocery store crooks were getting away with charging $3.40 for a damn can of soup !! WTF is going on here??!!

With tax, those assholes are basically charging FOUR DOLLARS for a bag of potato chips and FOUR DOLLARS for a can of soup! And as you can see, the items I selected for my lunch are ordinary. I didn’t buy fancy, organically grown kettle chips… I bought the ordinary kind that make you fat and clog your arteries. I didn’t select a fancy organic soup, either. It’s just the ordinary ready-to-eat Chunky brand. It is also important to note that these are regular grocery store prices – not some overpriced gas station / convenience store where you’re expecting to get screwed.

This is what’s wrong with America. Where do these people get off charging these kinds of prices? WTF are we doing by going along with it? We should be rioting in the streets, clamoring for government food like they did in the French Revolution. Henceforth, Jackhammer is going to boycott buying any grocery store items that he feels are overpriced. Plus there are hundreds of eateries around here that would have been glad to sell me a lunch for under ten bucks, including a drink. From now on I’m eating at McDonald’s.