The End of Days

For as long as I can remember, people have been predicting the End of the World. I used to get excited about TEOTWAKI predictions, like the most recent one concerning December 21, 2012. Unfortunately, I have been burned so many times in the past that I no longer get my hopes up.

Lately, however, I have seen so many bizarre events that I do have to wonder if we are indeed standing on the brink of the apocalypse. Look at the signs…. Justin Bieber singing onstage with Santana… the death of Steve Jobs… Tim Tebow traded to the NY Jets…

It turns out that the surest sign that the End of Days are upon us materialized over Easter weekend… a man named Bubba has won the Masters golf tournament and donned the coveted green jacket. Jackhammer salutes Bubba Watson, the most unlikely of champions!

The Blue & Gray Show

It’s finally time! The Blue & Gray Show, the largest beer can collector convention on the East Coast, will take place February 15-19 at the Ramada Inn in Fredericksburg, Virginia. This is THE must-attend event for any avid collector of beer cans, beer bottles, beer advertising, beer labels, beer trays, beer signs, or any items related to beer. There will also be a hospitality room… where cold beer will be served 24 hours a day! The B&G is a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

This will be an extra-special week for The Jackhammer. As shown in the vintage family photograph, above, Jackhammer (left) and Leroy (right) have been vacationing together for quite some time… the photo is circa 1970. Both Leroy and Jackhammer will be attending the entire B&G event, along with many of our notable associates such as the infamous “Turd Ferguson” and “Bruz,” the Malt Liquor King. Since my favorite part of the event is getting to socialize with other collectors, much of my time will be spent participating in the room-to-room trading.

To add a historical perspective, the Blue & Gray Show rose from humble beginnings to become one of the most popular and successful shows in the United States; it has been running for over 30 consecutive years! The “Blue & Gray” name was coined in 1981 to accurately describe this meeting of beer-paraphernalia collectors from the North and South. This is why Civil War soldiers and cannon are placed on all flyers and logos pertaining to this convention.

The location of the hotel, as well as the facility itself, is ideal for the show. It features plenty of rooms and a large banquet hall (where we vote for the “Beer Can of the Year,” hear distinguished guests lecture on beer can construction, throw up in the trashcans, etc.). There is also plenty of space for trading tables on the convention floor.

This event is the best possible place to acquire new beer cans and brewery collectibles… all of Jackhammer’s followers are warmly invited to attend and participate in the buying, selling, and trading. More information on this historic event can be found at: http://www.bluegrayshow.com/

The Last Line of Defense

Friends, Jackhammer hopes for the best, but prepares for the worst.  Pictured above are some typical Every Day Carry (EDC) items that are favored by Jackhammer... on any given day, he is likely to be carrying all or most of this crap on his person.  Don't tread on me.

Most of you habitually carry a wallet and cell phone on a daily basis... but have you thought about those items from a preparedness standpoint?  A Smartphone, for example, increases your capabilities exponentially compared to a regular cellular phone (see my earlier blog on this topic).  And your wallet?  Are the two bucks in your wallet really going to get you out of a jam, or do you carry enough cash to deal with a real emergency?

I suppose Jackhammer's list of recommended EDC items would make another excellent post, and I will do so if there is sufficient demand for this topic.  But for our purposes, let's suppose you're carrying your usual EDC loadout and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a zombie outbreak, alien invasion, or are attacked by a gang of ninja assassins.  Picture yourself fighting for your life when you run out of ammo... your automatic knife jams... the wind blows your pepper spray back in your face... you break your baton after landing several hard hits in the melee... what do you do then?

This must be the situation envisioned by the numerous manufacturers who are now selling these "tactical pens."  The hardened steel tip is ideal for breaking glass or for piercing the skulls of attacking zombies.  However, once this pen is sticking out of the head of the co-worker who was trying to eat your brains, it will be difficult to retrieve.  Therefore, there is this:

The "stabby kitty" keychain is, most assuredly, one of the most lethal weapons known to man.  In case you are unfamiliar with this device,  you stick two fingers through the kitty's eyes and then slash and stab at your adversary with the pointy ears. 

I have never used my "stabby kitty" in anger, although I assume it must be pretty dangerous.  They have been banned by the TSA, so if you're planning to highjack a plane with one of these you will need to come up with another plan.  Nevertheless, this keychain is officially endorsed by Jackhammer.  It is an effective, inconspicuous, lightweight, deadly weapon that will almost always be with you... and a great fallback weapon when everything else fails.  Welcome to the last line of defense!

Bad Moon Rising

Jackhammer has never been accused of being finicky.  If a buddy shows up at the campfire with a cooler full of Milwaukee's Best, then it's time to unleash The Beast.  To me, the quality of the company is far more important than the quality of the food or drink.

That being said, Jackhammer also believes that everything has an ideal state... a pinnacle of perfection.  Vodka should be Russian, served neat.  Scotch should be single-malt, distilled in Scotland.  Tequila should be 100% blue agave, imported from Mexico.  Most importantly, moonshine should come from North Carolina. 

In Jackhammer's neck of the woods, the moonshine industry has thrived for generations.  Everyone in my county agrees that the sheriff makes the best.  So did it make any sense at all that the only pathetic excuse for moonshine that could be legally purchased was some disgusting corn whisky from Georgia?  Give me a break!

Friends, there is an island of sanity in a world gone crazy.  The local stores are now selling Midnight Moon, which may very well be the finest North Carolina moonshine to ever pass your lips.  This Nectar of the Gods is being produced by Junior Johnson, and if you don't know who he is then you are not likely to understand very much of this post. 

Midnight Moon is faithful to our southern culture and tradition, except for the obvious fact that the government taxes on this product have been paid in full, and you don't have to worry about the revenuers catching you with it.  Proudly crafted by the Johnson family's "very own hands," it is made in small batches, triple-distilled in a copper still.  Each mason jar bears Junior's printed signature and a hand-written batch number. 

Friends, this is good shit.  Close your eyes and take a drink.  It reminds me of NASCAR, of twisty mountain roads, of pine trees, of pulled-pork barbeque... it tastes like home.  Jackhammer was so excited he ran out and purchased several variations of the fruit flavors to sample, including the strawberry, blueberry, cherry, and cranberry pictured here.

Midnight Moon contains no artificial flavors, coloring, or extracts.  Nevertheless, it is 100 Proof Grain Neutral Spirits, except for the Apple Pie flavor pictured here, which is 70 Proof.  The Apple Pie flavor seems to be particularly coveted; Jackhammer had to visit four different stores to purchase this last surviving jar. 

More information can be found at www.juniorsmidnightmoon.com.  This stuff can kick your ass, so please enjoy responsibly.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Friends, Jackhammer wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas!

I have the warmest wishes for everyone, despite the fact that the stores in my area began setting up their Christmas decorations on October 1 -- and I am ready for all this to be over. When I was young Christmas didn't start until after Thanksgiving... but then again, record levels of consumer spending in 2011 leads me to conclude that those merchants got what they wanted most by making the holiday shopping season three months long.

Today's local newspaper got me thinking about this issue once again. The houses in my town have an annual contest to see which house can have the most lavish display of Christmas lights. Congratulations to the Sacca family, who took this year's first prize. Everyone agreed that their latest addition, a giant electric ice-skating snowman for the front lawn, is what put their house over the top.

According to the article, the Sacca family estimates that their Christmas decorations add about $300 a month to their electric bill... other families recently featured on the TV news reported that it costs them over $1,000 a month to power their displays.

You guys know what I'm going to say next, but lest you brand me a hypocrite I must tell you about a gift I received several years ago from my aunt and uncle. I ripped opened the card, expecting to joyfully pluck out some cold, hard cash... or at least a gift card. Instead, I found a certificate certifying that a $25 donation to the Rescue Mission had been made in my name. I was mad. I felt like I'd been ripped off... some homeless fucker had ended up with my beer money.

So what did you ask Santa for this year? Unfortunately, in our soul-sucking, spiritless society, Christmas has been all about the loot. Kids don't care about the true meaning of Christmas... I sure as hell didn't. I wasn't worried about what I could give to the less fortunate... I was excited about what I was going to get. I wanted Santa to bring me everything on my list, even a puppy.

As Jackhammer has matured, I have tried to make amends for my greed. This is the second year in a row that I have organized a major food drive at my office. It has become an annual event that runs from Thanksgiving until the Christmas break. This year Jackhammer personally delivered 322 pounds of food to the Food Bank, down from 388 pounds last year. At first I felt bad about the decline in what I was able to extort from my co-workers, because this year the need is greater than ever. But then again, there are far fewer of us in the office this year... about half of us were laid off in 2011. So all things considered, Jackhammer delivered the food and declared victory.

The Sacca family parents said they worked very hard on the extravagant Christmas display "for our children." But what are those brats really learning? Jackhammer struggles mightily with this issue because the secular circus is becoming increasingly nauseating to me as I age, and I am trying, albeit in very small steps, to make Christmas the way it should be. But then... then I remember the joy of being a child on Christmas morning. Am I really willing to thumb my nose at the traditions comprising the very foundation of American culture?

Am I willing to be branded a "Scrooge" or a "Grinch" for refusing to participate in the annual orgy of consumer spending? Am I willing to to stand up and boldly declare that we are spending our money on all the wrong things, and the way we're squandering our resources does absolutely nothing to honor the birth of Christ? Friends, Jackhammer is nearly there... my paradigm shift is almost complete. In the meantime, however, I will continue to send my own teenage nephews their beer money.

Letter to the Public

Loyal Readers,

Yes, Jackhammer is back! I know how happy you must be to finally see some new posts. However, as bad as I hate to do so, I must pause to chastise those of you who have been badgering me continuously to resume this blog. If you are one of my loyal followers who have been patiently waiting, you may disregard the remainder of this letter; it is directed at my legion of fans who have incessantly begged me to continue without reprieve (you know who you are).

I understand that you are hungry for new knowledge, and that you depend on the wisdom in these posts to guide you through life. Still, you must remember that Jackhammer is a very busy man. and delivering high-quality classroom instruction is my top priority. Due to the hectic schedule of events requiring my personal appearance, I have had to forego posting my online lessons to some extent. I expect you to understand that my professional commitments must trump my desire to post additional blogs for you - no matter how desperately you may want them.

I know most of you will be nursing hurt feelings after being scolded by Jackhammer. Please do not be distressed. I assure you that all is forgiven, and my fondness for you remains undiminished. Remember that "the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son" (Hebrews 12:6). 

In any event, I have a huge backlog of items to post, and I will do my best to disseminate as many of these articles as possible over the Christmas break. I have started with the most requested item, "Apocalypse Socks," the long-awaited sequel to "Apocalypse Footwear." Rest assured, other posts will follow soon -and I thank you in advance for your patience and understanding.

Jackhammer

Apocalypse Socks

I am pleased to present the most anticipated blog in the annals of history: Apocalypse Socks. Yes, you are finally getting to read the sequel to my wildly popular blog Apocalypse Footwear. My fans who have bombarded me with requests for more information about how they should care for their feet after TEOTWAWKI are being rewarded!

Most of you will likely be surprised at these recommendations. It is common knowledge that Jackhammer is a huge fan of "technical" fabrics. I own multiple items from Under Armor, Reebok, Magnum Research, Eotech, etc., and have found technical fabrics to be vastly superior to natural fabrics (such as cotton) in every way. High-tech fabrics are durable, moisture-wicking, quick-drying, comfortable, and wrinkle-free. I have adopted these undergarments with increasing enthusiasm, and seldom wear anything else when performing any strenuous physical activity.

To cut to the chase, here is the advice you've been begging for: When it comes to socks, Jackhammer strongly recommends natural merino wool. The Smartwool brand, pictured here in the "Trekking" variation, are my personal favorites and the only socks I buy anymore.

I have been wearing Smartwool socks on a daily basis for approximately 15 years. Although these socks will give you many years of dependable service, they do get progressively thinner over time. The socks pictured on the left are brand-new; the socks pictured on the right are Smartwool Trekking socks after approximately three years of service.

It should also be noted that Jackhammer's socks accumulate wear and tear at a greatly accelerated rate. My whole family has discovered the joy of wearing my Smartwool socks. My wife and daughter often wear them in lieu of bedroom slippers in the evening, and my son won't wear anything else with his hockey skates. His aggressive skating in hockey has caused most of my older socks to develop holes near the heel area, at which point they should be discarded and replaced.

Although they are pricey, approximately $20 per pair for the thickest "Trekking" variation, they are worth every penny. I am speaking from experience here. In an attempt to save money I have experimented with diverse other brands, such as the Under Armor and 5.11 Tactical boot socks pictured here.

Unfortunately, I have found that there is simply no substitute for natural merino wool. In this case, nature cannot be beat. Your feet will stay warm in winter and cool in summer. In a pinch, these socks can be worn for many days at a time and your feet will remain comfortable. On extended hikes spanning a week or more, I have found that they can be renewed by simply washing them out in a creek, pond, or any other water source. After being hand-washed and air-dried, they are once again fully serviceable. When the grid fails, you will appreciate this feature!

In summation, my friends, don't cut any corners when it comes to your feet. Stockpile plenty of these socks - as well as the footwear recommended in the earlier post - and you won't have any problems with your feet after the apocalypse.