Ten Arcane Skills That Will Be Lacking After the Apocalypse (listed in order of importance)

1. Beer Brewing / Wine Making / Liquor Distilling. I’m talking about making beer, wine, and liquor from scratch. Sure, I’ve brewed a few batches of homemade beer… but I use pre-packaged, premeasured ingredient kits so that doesn’t count. I’m talking about brewing and distilling from nothing but the rawest of materials… wild wheat, barley, corn, and other grains. Moonshiners will have an advantage here…

2. Farming and Gardening. How many of us know anything about farming any more? The family farms are disappearing rapidly, replaced by mega-farms owned by corporate conglomerates. How many people under 40 know how to prepare, plant, maintain, and harvest a garden? And then “can” the produce in mason jars to eat during the winter months? My guess is less than 5 percent. Why bother when you can buy three cans of green beans for a dollar at Food Lion all year long?

3. Metalworking and Fabrication. Remember when they used to teach “metalworking” in high school? Not anymore… now we just shove the little shits behind computer keyboards. But even with guys who are reasonably handy around the house, how many of them can actually fabricate a needed part from raw metal stock? Even technical tradesmen have evolved into a “remove and replace” mindset… they run tests to find the bad component and swap out whatever failed with a new one. But what if new parts become unobtainable?

4. Gunsmithing. It should be fairly easy to find a good gunsmith in a city the size of Raleigh, right? No? What if you expand your search into to surrounding communities of Garner, Cary, Apex, etc? Maybe you know something I don’t, but the closest gunsmith I’ve found that will repair a non-functioning firearm is in Fayetteville – 90 minutes away. I’m assuming the police and other agencies that use firearms must have their own in-house gunsmith… but I submit that this skill is becoming a lost art. I guess I should also include the ability to reload spent shell casings into this category.

5. Alternative Medicine / Herbal Pharmacology. Americans are demanding free, high-quality healthcare for all, right? Well… good luck finding a skilled urologist after the apocalypse. People have become used to running to medical specialists for their every ailment… and the old-fashioned home remedies have been abandoned (even the ones that worked). How many of us know how to gather medicinal herbs in the wild, and/or administer them appropriately? Or how to set broken limbs? You get the idea.

6. Sewing. How many women under 40 know anything at all about sewing? How many college-age girls can sew a dress? My mother and grandmother used to store hundreds of patterns and sew all different kinds of clothes from whatever materials were available. The younger generation, conversely, cannot stitch torn pants, replace a zipper, or even sew on a button.

7. Butchering and Buccaneering. I think buccaneering is the right word. The original buccaneers were the dudes who smoked and dried meat to sell to sailing ships, right? But how many modern citizens know how to butcher and clean an animal? A few hunters who actually eat their prey, I suppose… not the ones who shoot deer just to cut off their antlers. But even fewer people can turn meat into jerky for long-term storage.

8. Orienteering. This was actually a PE class at my university, and I’ve always wished that I had taken it when I had the chance. How many of us can navigate across vast tracts of wilderness? If you think you can because you have a road map and a GPS, you’d better think again. The roads will be impassible with abandoned cars…bridges and tunnels blown… gasoline and GPS batteries unattainable… so your AAA map isn’t going to be much help. I’m talking old-school navigation here. Look at the sun, the stars, the planet Venus (which is visible even in daylight)… maybe even learn how to use that old thingy… what’s it called? Oh – a compass!

9. Barter and Trade. This is a closely guarded secret, but I might as well let the cat out of the bag since the end is near: the money in your wallet hasn’t really been worth anything since 1933 when the United States government abandoned the gold standard. Our modern currency only buys us things because, in our minds only, it is somehow worth more than the paper it’s printed on. But after the apocalypse people will see “floated” money for what it really is… so barter and trade will form the basis of post-apocalyptic commerce. But this too is a lost art… I’ve practiced it at the car dealership a few times, but nowhere else.

10. Archery / Snaring / Trapping / Fishing. In this broad category I’m going to place every way that man ventures into the wild and secures protein without modern luxuries, like firearms and ammunition. Sure, you can shoot a rabbit… but can you set a snare line and trap them? Can you dig a bear pit that works? Can you fashion a fishing pole from an old tree branch and dig grubs as bait?

Again, these skills were once commonly known among the American people… the same Americans who baked pies from scratch, repaired their own cars, and even made their own lye soap. The end of the world is approaching once again (in 2012 this time). Better learn these skills now while you still can.

Rise of the Evil Machines

Last time I heard, the state of North Carolina didn’t have two nickels to rub together. Maybe that explains the aggressive “Powersave” features of my arch-nemesis: the network printer.

If this machine isn’t used every 30 seconds, it goes into “Powersave” mode – which basically means that it shuts down and won’t do a damn thing until it warms back up again. I often become enraged when I’m standing in front of it waiting for my document to print. While I fidget in the workroom, the printer’s LCD screen slowly scrolls an endless list of stupid messages every fucking time I try to print something:

WARMING UP……….… CLEANING……...… CALIBRATING……...…CHECKING SUPPLIES….…ORDER YELLOW TONER SOON…. VERIFYING……. TESTING….… GENUINE HP SUPPLIES INSTALLED….… PRINTING…….

All this drama before printing is very confusing to me. If the printer really does need to constantly clean, calibrate, and do a bunch of bullshit to itself, why doesn’t it do those things when nobody is using it? Why does it wait until I’m trying to print the final draft of my report, seconds before The Big Meeting, to perform all those stupid maintenance tasks? Better yet, can’t it do all that crap after it prints my document so I don’t have to stand there waiting for it to finish masturbating?

But even after I finally get the printer to function, I’m not out of the woods yet: The only thing worse than the network printer is the office copier.

Like the network printer, the copier automatically switches into “sleep mode” to save electricity whenever it’s not in constant use. Somehow it is able to slip into “Powersave” mode in a split second… but then it mysteriously takes several minutes to warm up whenever anyone needs to use it. Then, like the printer, it’s got to calibrate itself, check toner levels, and do 10 other self-maintenance tasks that it could have been doing when nobody was using it.

I’m wondering how much money the state is saving by activating these tree-hugging features. I’m guessing that these infuriating lapses into “Powersave” are saving the government about five bucks a month in electricity costs. A good thing, right? But when you consider the fact that the state is paying me $4.50 an hour for my time, and that I have to stand there doing nothing while the office machines slowly fight their way back to consciousness, the overall savings are either negligible or non-existent.

10 Reasons Why Leroy Should Get a Blackberry

By now everyone knows that the Research in Motion (RIM) Blackberry is the “Swiss Army Knife” of the modern cubicle dweller. Yes, I know I may hear some crap from the iPhone crowd, but the Blackberry is my “weapon of choice” because:

a) It’s been business-oriented since its inception (allowing me to seamlessly integrate all my work, university, and personal shit onto one device), and

b) I don’t want to have to deal with AT&T (and if you go with the iPhone, you have no other choice).

But now that I’m making lists, I might as well get to the main point of this blog. Here are 10 reasons why Leroy should get a Blackberry:

1. It’s an awesome MP3 player… superior to the iPod in many ways. It will, for example, play any radio station streaming over the internet (hundreds of them) in real time – while showing you the song lyrics and everything! Buy and download the music you like while you’re listening. I bought a 16 GB Micro SD card… I’ve loaded over 1,000 songs onto it, and it’s not even close to full capacity. Listen to music over the built-in speaker, or just plug in your headphone and rock out. It’s always with you, right? No need to carry a separate iPod device.

2. Closely germane to #1, you have multimedia capabilities. Need a 3.0 megapixel camera – with a flash? Built right in. Leave that antique floppy drive shit at home! There’s plenty of room on the 16GB Micro SD card. Need a video camera? Built right in. Need a tape recorder? Built right in. Buy a Blackberry and you become a walking Best Buy store!

3. Native applications (major). It comes with a bunch of standard productivity software I find incredibly useful. Need an address book with infinite pages? Got it. Need a calendar and appointment book? Got it. Need to generate a few “to do” lists? Got it. Need to check all eight of your email accounts? Go for it! The Blackberry with synch with them all!

4. Native applications (minor). These make the Blackberry a Swiss Army Knife. Think of all the other little shit you’ve always got right at your side. Need a calculator? You got one. Need a memo pad to write something down? You’ve got one. Need an alarm clock? You’ve got one. Need a flashlight? You got one. Need a paperweight? You got one. Need to open a bottle of beer? You’re S.O.L. (which is a MAJOR design flaw in the Blackberry case design)!

5. It’s the ultimate USB flash drive. Need to truck a PowerPoint presentation to the meeting? No problem. How about some Word documents… and a few Excel spreadsheets? No problem. Need somewhere to store your porn? No problem. Download to the Blackberry in USB mode and you’re good to go.

6. Entertainment during boring meetings. Send secure text messages making fun of the boss. Play cool games like Tiger Woods PGA Tour (parental discretion advised), Brickbreaker, video poker, solitary, or hundreds of other games. Or why not just surf the internet? Check the BCCA chapter postings and see if anyone found any cool dumpers last weekend. Write a new blog. Turn useless time into fun time.

7. Unlimited information. Aside from being able to Goggle stuff at will, you get free downloads from mainstream media. Currently my Blackberry gets regular news updates from USA today (awesome!), the BBC, CBS News, and Time magazine. But you can link to just about any news source you want and get automatic updates. And don’t forget the new “natural disaster app” and other alerts that can be sent straight to your phone. Just remember that with great power comes great responsibility…

8. It’s a GPS. No kidding, the Blackberry Tour is also a GPS. Need turn-by-turn directions to the titty bar? No problem. Want to consult Google Maps to find the nearest ABC store? No problem. Want to see real-time weather radar maps centered over your current location? No problem – and the Blackberry will even throw in a five-day forecast free of charge.

9. Communication and Networking. The world wants more Leroy! With a Blackberry, you always have ready access to Facebook. You can update your FB status while you’re taking a crap. You can send and receive Twitter tweets instantly throughout the day. You can take cool photographs and upload them straight to your Facebook page… or email the photo directly to selected friends. Or send the photo along with a text message. Better yet, you can receive texts, pictures, videos, etc., from your friends instantly – from anywhere in the country. With a Blackberry, you’re never out of touch.

10. I almost forgot. It’s a phone! But not just any phone. Most carriers offer affordable plans that include free long distance… with unlimited nights and weekends. We never use our land line for long distance calls anymore, and the money we used to pay for long distance service every month pays for a good chunk of my cellular plan. We could talk more often… and could communicate during a zombie invasion, asteroid strike, or other major emergency.

I know Leroy doesn’t like cell phones because “they’re rude.” I agree that many people don’t seem to understand cell phone etiquette… that’s why local businesses have started posting signs like “please conclude your cell phone conversation before approaching the teller,” or “we will be happy to assist you when you have finished your cell phone conversation.” Yes, I get pissed off on a frequent basis when assholes refuse to follow cellular etiquette… but that doesn’t mean I should refuse to get a Blackberry because of their rude actions.

Leroy should do what I did… get a Blackberry and use it appropriately.

Jackhammer's Summer Vacation

Okay… I know this post is long overdue. But it’s time for me to comment on last month’s vacation to Sanibel Island, Florida. For those who don’t know, Sanibel Island is located off the West Coast of Florida… almost directly across from Fort Myers. A causeway connects Sanibel to Fort Myers if you can afford the six dollar (!) toll.

Sanibel Island is about 12 miles long and 3 miles across… but the majority of the island is a protected wildlife preserve (a.k.a., an alligator infested swamp). There are no fast food restaurants, no stoplights, and nothing to interest someone looking for a wild time.

Still, Sanibel provides 15 miles of unspoiled beaches, 22 miles of bike paths, and an awesome golf course -- where I was almost bit by an alligator, no kidding. But let me start with the bike trails, which are truly amazing. The paved trails traverse the whole island… in fact, some parts of the island are only accessible via the bike trails. But you’d better be prepared to peddle because no motorized vehicles are permitted on these paths. As you can see, Jackhammer had to resort to “peddle power” to get around… but at least I got to spend the entire week on two wheels.

The beaches are pristine and unspoiled, as advertised. Those looking for empty beer cans, discarded liquor bottles, soiled condoms, loud music, and vomiting teenagers will have to journey north. The view of the Gulf of Mexico is splendid. As you can see from these photos, it was the perfect place for an aging Jackhammer to relax and unwind.

Sanibel can be extraordinarily hot and humid… probably because it’s in Southern Florida. But whenever it got too hot, Jackhammer would try to cool off by taking a swim in the ocean. It helped some… but as my grandfather proclaimed, “this water is as warm as piss.” And watch out for hungry bull sharks.

In summation, Sanibel is the prefect place to get away from it all. The days were spent biking, golfing, swimming, whatever. But in the evening Jackhammer would shower to wash away the day’s accumulation of sweat, sand, salt, and sunblock. After a good meal, he could stroll along the beach, savor a spectacular sunset, and think pensive thoughts. Sanibel Island is a great place to lose yourself, and a great place to find yourself. By the end of the week I felt so centered and so focused. I could really dig living there all year long, and hated to see the vacation come to an end.

Eat at McDonald's !!

Guys, something isn’t right.

After returning from my recent vacation I checked the balances in my bank accounts. I realized that taking the whole tribe to Florida had cost more than I expected (expect a blog about Jackhammer’s vacation to be posted soon). Therefore, I concluded that it was time to “economize” for a little while and recover financially.

So around lunch time I headed down to the local Harris Teeter grocery store to partake of their latest special deal – a six-inch sub sandwich from the deli counter for only $2.99. I didn’t pull out a tape measure or anything, but the sandwich looked a little small. So I absentmindedly grabbed a bag of chips and a can of Chunky soup to go along with it.

Imagine my horror at the checkout register when my lunch purchases totaled $10.87 – and I didn’t even buy a drink to go with it !! WTF is going on here??!! Now I will admit that I never paid much attention to the cost of groceries up to this point. I have developed a bad habit of tossing stuff into the cart… I pay for my family’s food with my debit card, and when you pay electronically it’s not like you’re spending real money, right?

I looked at my receipt in the parking lot to see if there was some kind of mistake. I just about went into shock when I saw that a bag of potato chips cost $3.79 plus tax. I’m posting a picture of the chips as evidence because this story is so hard to believe.

My shock and awe was compounded when I realized that the grocery store crooks were getting away with charging $3.40 for a damn can of soup !! WTF is going on here??!!

With tax, those assholes are basically charging FOUR DOLLARS for a bag of potato chips and FOUR DOLLARS for a can of soup! And as you can see, the items I selected for my lunch are ordinary. I didn’t buy fancy, organically grown kettle chips… I bought the ordinary kind that make you fat and clog your arteries. I didn’t select a fancy organic soup, either. It’s just the ordinary ready-to-eat Chunky brand. It is also important to note that these are regular grocery store prices – not some overpriced gas station / convenience store where you’re expecting to get screwed.

This is what’s wrong with America. Where do these people get off charging these kinds of prices? WTF are we doing by going along with it? We should be rioting in the streets, clamoring for government food like they did in the French Revolution. Henceforth, Jackhammer is going to boycott buying any grocery store items that he feels are overpriced. Plus there are hundreds of eateries around here that would have been glad to sell me a lunch for under ten bucks, including a drink. From now on I’m eating at McDonald’s.

Fat Bastards' Moving Company

When I heard that Leroy was stopping in North Carolina to collect a few things on the way to his mother’s house, I was very excited. I immediately started taking mental notes on the location of nearby porta-jons, rows of unguarded traffic cones, big-hair heavy metal rock bands, local auto races, and other sources of amusement. I wanted Leroy to have a good time while he was in town.

But when we arrived at Leroy’s storage unit, it turned out that the task at hand amounted to more than “throwing a few things in the back of the rental truck.” Leroy is the proud owner of the 1934 Old Italian Car. Well, as I should say, the remains of a 1934 Old Italian Car. The kind of car that can only be moved by jacking its ass up in the air and sliding furniture dollies under the crumbling tires.

So how do you move a car like that onto the trailer? One inch at time. How do you secure it so it doesn’t fall off? With steel come-along cables. And ropes. And nylon straps. And chains. And duct tape. Why hoist it onto a trailer in the first place? Why doesn’t Leroy just charge up its battery and drive it back to Texas? Because he also had to get 2,389 of his heavy-duty, commercial-grade paving stones loaded into the truck. There aren’t any rocks in Texas, so Leroy imports his from North Carolina.

The biggest obstacle to getting all this done was that Leroy and I aren’t as young as we used to be… we’ve each gained over five pounds since high school. And it was 94 degrees… probably more than that on the blacktop… and very humid. It was a good thing that we had brought a cooler filled with refreshing beverages, and another good thing that Leroy can still open beer bottles with his teeth.

Turns out, the job took all day and we never made it to the Fiat car show in Winston-Salem like we had planned. But it was finally time to hoist the engine and transmission (sold separately) into the back of the truck with the paving stones. In this photo we are gathering up our tools. Like Jethro Clampett, Leroy travels with his clothes packed in cardboard boxes. Note the cardboard tubes to safely transport collectable beer cans.

The 1934 Old Italian Car finally arrived back at my double-wide in Clayton. After a day in the heat, it was time for a hard-earned BBQ dinner, cold beers, and some flesh-eating zombie movies. By the time you read this the Old Italian Car will be back in Texas, ready to become Leroy’s latest restoration project. While I am relieved that my job is done, I’m afraid that Leroy’s work is just beginning.

Does Size Really Matter?

I hate to think that this posting may join the legions of the “does size matter” opinion columns. But I’m afraid I cannot make my point without addressing this eternal issue.

Let me begin by saying that, under most circumstances, size does matter. But just because your motorcycle engine is smaller than your friends’ doesn’t mean that you can’t have any fun. My first motorcycle was a used 250cc Honda Rebel. I wanted to buy a motorcycle and join the two-wheeled community, and was able to do so for only $300 because I was willing to accept that fact that I was going to own something smaller than almost everyone else.

Sure, I could have deferred the purchase and saved up more money for a bigger motorcycle. But at the time my poverty status was so acute there was no telling how long that was going to take. Looking back, I see that I made the right decision. I bought the little Honda Rebel and began having fantastic two-wheeled adventures right away. I rode through the mountains. I rode to the beaches. I toured the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I commuted to work… at a maximum speed of about 60 MPH (going downhill).

Before I knew it, my friends were running out to buy motorcycles too. Even though they all started with budget-conscious, used bikes, it seemed like they always ended up with motors over 1000cc. I had a hard time keeping up with them, which began to frustrate me after a while. So I finally sold the little 250cc bike for $500 and bought a 650cc Honda Nighthawk for $1,000. Yes, what I had was still much smaller than my friends, but at least now I could keep up with them and participate in Ironbutt endurance riding events. I rode the 650cc Honda all over North America and had many more fantastic and unforgettable adventures.

With the Honda Nighthawk totally worn out, I sold it for $1,000 and bought a used BMW sport-touring bike with a whooping 750cc motor. It was bigger than anything I had ever had before. My amazing adventures continued but, embarrassed by my small motor, I was still shy about parking next to my friends. Finally I bit the bullet and bought the new bike of my dreams right off the showroom floor. The Honda Interceptor is a world championship-winning sportbike. While it’s wicked-fast, it only displaces 800cc… so to this day my motor is still smaller than my friends who, by this time, are all riding 1300cc to 1600cc touring bikes.

With no new, larger motorcycle in the foreseeable future I must now grapple with the fact that I’m always going to have a smaller motor than everyone else I ride with. If that’s the way it’s got to be, then why not go “all out”? For those of you who don’t know, the Ironbutt Rally is the country’s premiere endurance riding event. The few who finish the rally will have journeyed over 11,000 miles in eleven days… and the top finishers will have traveled much further.

I am a proud member of the Ironbutt long-distance riding community, and I happen to know that the smallest motorcycle to ever finish the rally was a 125cc German motorcycle called a Zundapp.

Since I’m going all-out, I think I can shatter that record with my new 50cc pocketbike. As you can see from the photos, I have already begun training for this grueling event. I’m going to prove to the world that size doesn’t matter, at least when it comes to having fun on a motorcycle. I encourage all wanna-be riders to buy whatever they can afford and start riding RIGHT NOW. Jump in the game. Join the fun. Life is short.

It must be noted that the Zundapp motor had to be rebuilt several times during its stint on the 11,000 mile Ironbutt circuit, so I’m going to need one hell of a mechanical support team to complete this challenge. Any volunteers? Leroy?