A Clear and Present Danger

Jackhammer has held is tounge on this issue for long enough, and it is time to go on record. Everyone knows that I channel a lot of love and good advice in the direction of my followers, but I’m afraid this time I have a lot of finger shaking to do.

First, I must shake my fingers at the 95% of the nation who rushed to judgment on this issue without knowing all the facts, including some of my closest friends. I shake my finger at the highly biased liberal media, who have done everything they can to misreport any aspects of this case that do not advance their self-righteous social agenda. I shake my finger at all the politicians who exploited this tragedy for political gain, including President Obama. I shake my finger at every blogger, editorial writer, and talk show host who has reiterated their own bizarre fantasy version of what really happened, regardless of the facts – and this includes both liberals and conservatives.

Most of all, however, I shake my finger at Trayvon Martin and Mark Zimmerman.

As more and more evidence comes to light, it becomes obvious that Trayvon Martin was nothing but a dangerous thug who was reveling in the “gangsta” lifestyle. He was walking around alone at night, high on marijuana, suspended from school for truancy and drug possession. His Facebook photographs, showing him throwing up his gang signs, were quickly pulled down by his family. Worst of all, his immediate reaction to Zimmerman was to deliver what a witness described as a “savage MMA-style beating.”

Although this may surprise you, I must direct my most vigorous finger-wagging at Mark Zimmerman, whom I hold directly responsible for the course of events. Yes, Florida does have a Stand Your Ground provision embedded within its concealed carry laws. Jackhammer’s home state, in contrast, has a Duty to Retreat provision. This means that if you feel your life is in danger, you must leave the area if it is possible for you to do so. The only exceptions are detailed in the Castle Doctrine provisions, which exempt you from your Duty to Retreat if you are in your own home, your car, or your place of business. In those areas alone, concealed permit holders may stand their ground.

But my point is this: Zimmerman should have known that confrontations are only warranted if there is a clear and present danger. Martin, from all accounts, was not engaged in any obvious criminal activity that evening. The police had already been called. Nobody was being hurt, harmed, raped, or killed. No property was being vandalized or stolen. So why provoke a confrontation? Why take that unnecessary risk? It isn’t hard to see why Zimmerman had been fired from his job as a security guard for being too aggressive.

Jackhammer’s verdict is that Zimmerman is in a World of Shit, and that he brought it upon himself. Zimmerman also did great damage to the conservative cause by handing the liberals a Field Day… he delivered multiple opportunities for them to play their race cards, whine about racial profiling, inflame racial tensions, and challenge the Stand Your Ground provisions of the concealed carry laws. The worst, however, is still in the pipeline. When Zimmerman is ultimately acquitted and Florida burns in the ensuing riots, I will hitch that to his wagon too.

Dirty Little Secret

I know this blog has countless fans, but Jackhammer did receive a complaint yesterday from someone he cares about. “I love your blog,” she said, “but you definitely overdo it with the zombie stuff.”

Because this critic is near and dear to my heart, and because I am fully vested in the concepts of Truth and full disclosure, I decided that it is time for Jackhammer to come clean and reveal his dirty little secret.

First, however, it must be noted that Jackhammer is not the only one investing countless hours preparing for zombie attacks. Did you know that active duty soldiers pass long hours in their barracks talking about what should be done if a zombie walks through the door? How they would react if there was a zombie outbreak on their camp or base?

Did you know the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) has developed plans detailing the military response to such an incident? That the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published documents explaining how a zombie outbreak should be contained? Seriously, did you know that government agencies have spent taxpayer dollars designing elaborate plans for reacting to zombie infestations? Is all this a ridiculous waste of public funds?

In Jackhammer’s opinion, it is not. Jackhammer’s dirty little secret is that if you’re prepared for a zombie attack, then you’re prepared for anything. Furthermore, chew upon this: Is it wise to be branded a “survivalist” or a “prepper”? Do you really want your friends and neighbors to think you’re hunkering down, getting ready for the apocalypse?

The great thing about talking about zombie attacks all the time is that you get a Free Pass for being a crackpot. You can stockpile weapons, ammo, food supplies, water filtration equipment… whatever you think you will need in an emergency. As long as you tell everyone you’re preparing for a zombie attack, nobody takes you seriously. This is a good thing. This is why Jackhammer runs around his front yard stabbing watermelons with a bayonet on his AK-47. I encourage all my followers to behave in a similar fashion… seize every opportunity to be dismissed as a fool.

 

The End of Days

For as long as I can remember, people have been predicting the End of the World. I used to get excited about TEOTWAKI predictions, like the most recent one concerning December 21, 2012. Unfortunately, I have been burned so many times in the past that I no longer get my hopes up.

Lately, however, I have seen so many bizarre events that I do have to wonder if we are indeed standing on the brink of the apocalypse. Look at the signs…. Justin Bieber singing onstage with Santana… the death of Steve Jobs… Tim Tebow traded to the NY Jets…

It turns out that the surest sign that the End of Days are upon us materialized over Easter weekend… a man named Bubba has won the Masters golf tournament and donned the coveted green jacket. Jackhammer salutes Bubba Watson, the most unlikely of champions!

The Blue & Gray Show

It’s finally time! The Blue & Gray Show, the largest beer can collector convention on the East Coast, will take place February 15-19 at the Ramada Inn in Fredericksburg, Virginia. This is THE must-attend event for any avid collector of beer cans, beer bottles, beer advertising, beer labels, beer trays, beer signs, or any items related to beer. There will also be a hospitality room… where cold beer will be served 24 hours a day! The B&G is a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

This will be an extra-special week for The Jackhammer. As shown in the vintage family photograph, above, Jackhammer (left) and Leroy (right) have been vacationing together for quite some time… the photo is circa 1970. Both Leroy and Jackhammer will be attending the entire B&G event, along with many of our notable associates such as the infamous “Turd Ferguson” and “Bruz,” the Malt Liquor King. Since my favorite part of the event is getting to socialize with other collectors, much of my time will be spent participating in the room-to-room trading.

To add a historical perspective, the Blue & Gray Show rose from humble beginnings to become one of the most popular and successful shows in the United States; it has been running for over 30 consecutive years! The “Blue & Gray” name was coined in 1981 to accurately describe this meeting of beer-paraphernalia collectors from the North and South. This is why Civil War soldiers and cannon are placed on all flyers and logos pertaining to this convention.

The location of the hotel, as well as the facility itself, is ideal for the show. It features plenty of rooms and a large banquet hall (where we vote for the “Beer Can of the Year,” hear distinguished guests lecture on beer can construction, throw up in the trashcans, etc.). There is also plenty of space for trading tables on the convention floor.

This event is the best possible place to acquire new beer cans and brewery collectibles… all of Jackhammer’s followers are warmly invited to attend and participate in the buying, selling, and trading. More information on this historic event can be found at: http://www.bluegrayshow.com/

The Last Line of Defense

Friends, Jackhammer hopes for the best, but prepares for the worst.  Pictured above are some typical Every Day Carry (EDC) items that are favored by Jackhammer... on any given day, he is likely to be carrying all or most of this crap on his person.  Don't tread on me.

Most of you habitually carry a wallet and cell phone on a daily basis... but have you thought about those items from a preparedness standpoint?  A Smartphone, for example, increases your capabilities exponentially compared to a regular cellular phone (see my earlier blog on this topic).  And your wallet?  Are the two bucks in your wallet really going to get you out of a jam, or do you carry enough cash to deal with a real emergency?

I suppose Jackhammer's list of recommended EDC items would make another excellent post, and I will do so if there is sufficient demand for this topic.  But for our purposes, let's suppose you're carrying your usual EDC loadout and suddenly find yourself in the middle of a zombie outbreak, alien invasion, or are attacked by a gang of ninja assassins.  Picture yourself fighting for your life when you run out of ammo... your automatic knife jams... the wind blows your pepper spray back in your face... you break your baton after landing several hard hits in the melee... what do you do then?

This must be the situation envisioned by the numerous manufacturers who are now selling these "tactical pens."  The hardened steel tip is ideal for breaking glass or for piercing the skulls of attacking zombies.  However, once this pen is sticking out of the head of the co-worker who was trying to eat your brains, it will be difficult to retrieve.  Therefore, there is this:

The "stabby kitty" keychain is, most assuredly, one of the most lethal weapons known to man.  In case you are unfamiliar with this device,  you stick two fingers through the kitty's eyes and then slash and stab at your adversary with the pointy ears. 

I have never used my "stabby kitty" in anger, although I assume it must be pretty dangerous.  They have been banned by the TSA, so if you're planning to highjack a plane with one of these you will need to come up with another plan.  Nevertheless, this keychain is officially endorsed by Jackhammer.  It is an effective, inconspicuous, lightweight, deadly weapon that will almost always be with you... and a great fallback weapon when everything else fails.  Welcome to the last line of defense!

Bad Moon Rising

Jackhammer has never been accused of being finicky.  If a buddy shows up at the campfire with a cooler full of Milwaukee's Best, then it's time to unleash The Beast.  To me, the quality of the company is far more important than the quality of the food or drink.

That being said, Jackhammer also believes that everything has an ideal state... a pinnacle of perfection.  Vodka should be Russian, served neat.  Scotch should be single-malt, distilled in Scotland.  Tequila should be 100% blue agave, imported from Mexico.  Most importantly, moonshine should come from North Carolina. 

In Jackhammer's neck of the woods, the moonshine industry has thrived for generations.  Everyone in my county agrees that the sheriff makes the best.  So did it make any sense at all that the only pathetic excuse for moonshine that could be legally purchased was some disgusting corn whisky from Georgia?  Give me a break!

Friends, there is an island of sanity in a world gone crazy.  The local stores are now selling Midnight Moon, which may very well be the finest North Carolina moonshine to ever pass your lips.  This Nectar of the Gods is being produced by Junior Johnson, and if you don't know who he is then you are not likely to understand very much of this post. 

Midnight Moon is faithful to our southern culture and tradition, except for the obvious fact that the government taxes on this product have been paid in full, and you don't have to worry about the revenuers catching you with it.  Proudly crafted by the Johnson family's "very own hands," it is made in small batches, triple-distilled in a copper still.  Each mason jar bears Junior's printed signature and a hand-written batch number. 

Friends, this is good shit.  Close your eyes and take a drink.  It reminds me of NASCAR, of twisty mountain roads, of pine trees, of pulled-pork barbeque... it tastes like home.  Jackhammer was so excited he ran out and purchased several variations of the fruit flavors to sample, including the strawberry, blueberry, cherry, and cranberry pictured here.

Midnight Moon contains no artificial flavors, coloring, or extracts.  Nevertheless, it is 100 Proof Grain Neutral Spirits, except for the Apple Pie flavor pictured here, which is 70 Proof.  The Apple Pie flavor seems to be particularly coveted; Jackhammer had to visit four different stores to purchase this last surviving jar. 

More information can be found at www.juniorsmidnightmoon.com.  This stuff can kick your ass, so please enjoy responsibly.

The True Meaning of Christmas

Friends, Jackhammer wishes all of you a very Merry Christmas!

I have the warmest wishes for everyone, despite the fact that the stores in my area began setting up their Christmas decorations on October 1 -- and I am ready for all this to be over. When I was young Christmas didn't start until after Thanksgiving... but then again, record levels of consumer spending in 2011 leads me to conclude that those merchants got what they wanted most by making the holiday shopping season three months long.

Today's local newspaper got me thinking about this issue once again. The houses in my town have an annual contest to see which house can have the most lavish display of Christmas lights. Congratulations to the Sacca family, who took this year's first prize. Everyone agreed that their latest addition, a giant electric ice-skating snowman for the front lawn, is what put their house over the top.

According to the article, the Sacca family estimates that their Christmas decorations add about $300 a month to their electric bill... other families recently featured on the TV news reported that it costs them over $1,000 a month to power their displays.

You guys know what I'm going to say next, but lest you brand me a hypocrite I must tell you about a gift I received several years ago from my aunt and uncle. I ripped opened the card, expecting to joyfully pluck out some cold, hard cash... or at least a gift card. Instead, I found a certificate certifying that a $25 donation to the Rescue Mission had been made in my name. I was mad. I felt like I'd been ripped off... some homeless fucker had ended up with my beer money.

So what did you ask Santa for this year? Unfortunately, in our soul-sucking, spiritless society, Christmas has been all about the loot. Kids don't care about the true meaning of Christmas... I sure as hell didn't. I wasn't worried about what I could give to the less fortunate... I was excited about what I was going to get. I wanted Santa to bring me everything on my list, even a puppy.

As Jackhammer has matured, I have tried to make amends for my greed. This is the second year in a row that I have organized a major food drive at my office. It has become an annual event that runs from Thanksgiving until the Christmas break. This year Jackhammer personally delivered 322 pounds of food to the Food Bank, down from 388 pounds last year. At first I felt bad about the decline in what I was able to extort from my co-workers, because this year the need is greater than ever. But then again, there are far fewer of us in the office this year... about half of us were laid off in 2011. So all things considered, Jackhammer delivered the food and declared victory.

The Sacca family parents said they worked very hard on the extravagant Christmas display "for our children." But what are those brats really learning? Jackhammer struggles mightily with this issue because the secular circus is becoming increasingly nauseating to me as I age, and I am trying, albeit in very small steps, to make Christmas the way it should be. But then... then I remember the joy of being a child on Christmas morning. Am I really willing to thumb my nose at the traditions comprising the very foundation of American culture?

Am I willing to be branded a "Scrooge" or a "Grinch" for refusing to participate in the annual orgy of consumer spending? Am I willing to to stand up and boldly declare that we are spending our money on all the wrong things, and the way we're squandering our resources does absolutely nothing to honor the birth of Christ? Friends, Jackhammer is nearly there... my paradigm shift is almost complete. In the meantime, however, I will continue to send my own teenage nephews their beer money.