The Real Issue

At some point every controversy should be put to rest, once and for all. Jackhammer is decided that the time has come to address the “birther” argument – and expose the real issue.

Was Barrack Hussein Obama, the most unlikely of presidents, really born in the United States? Well my loyal friends, there are only two possibilities:

1. The Donald is right. President Obama was born in Kenya, and therefore he is not a real American. There is some excellent photographic evidence to support this theory circulating around the Internet.

2. Obama was born in Hawaii as he claims.

The thing is, it doesn’t really matter.  Even if we give Obama the benefit of the doubt and acknowledge that he was born in Hawaii, that still doesn’t make him a real American.

That’s right. I said it. Being born in Hawaii doesn’t count! Hawaii is a small chain of volcanic islands in the middle of the South Pacific. It is over 2,500 miles away from the continental United States. Look at your AAA map of the United States… do you see Hawaii anywhere on it?

Sure, Jackhammer will admit that Hawaiians are allowed to claim a loose affiliation to the Stars & Stripes. Being born in Hawaii is comparable to being born in Puerto Rico, the Philippines, or some other U.S. territory… but that doesn’t make you a “real” American, does it?

So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether Obama is telling the Truth or not. The crux of the matter is that we should be revisiting the Constitutional requirement dictating that every U.S. president must be a natural born citizen. Given the diversity of this nation, does it really matter? Mitt Romney practices the non-mainstream doctrine of Mormonism… so has anyone asked to see his Certificate of Baptism? Are Mormons real Christians? Don’t both of the presidential candidates represent the Fringe Element of mainstream America in some respects?

In the interest of fairness and equality, I propose we cut both of these guys some slack. Obama is an American at heart, and that’s all that really matters.

Jackhammer's Best Friend

Friends, Jackhammer is about to embark on his annual vacation. My loyal followers know that Jackhammer routinely visits Sanibel Island, Florida… but it is time to switch things up! This year Jackhammer will vacation in Bermuda, which brings us to the subject of this post.

As a British Crown colony, Bermuda is gripped with the same anti-gun hysteria that has engulfed England for centuries. Even if you can get past the Homeland Security agents at your local airport, who are so paranoid they will not allow you to pass through their gates with a two-inch Leatherman micro-tool, the Bermudian prohibitions against anything that could theoretically be used for self-defense are so formidable that even your “stabby kitty” keychain must remain stateside.

So will Jackhammer be defenseless on his vacation? Not exactly. You see, Jackhammer has mastered the art of unarmed combat – and he encourages all his readers to do the same while there is still time. Jackhammer’s Kung Fu is his best friend… it is always with him, and nobody can ever take it away. I will walk past the Homeland Security agents at the airport with a smug, shit-eating grin on my face, secure in the knowledge that my hands, feet, knees, and elbows are far deadlier than any firearm… at least within 12 feet or less. My most potent and lethal weapons will always be handy.

Faithful readers, sometimes your bare hands are all you have! It is impossible to remain properly armed at all times. Do you carry your AK-47 into the shower with you? At some point you will almost certainly be required to defend yourself without a weapon… hence the word karate literally means “empty hand.” Did you party too hard in Tijuana? If that’s the case, your skills at unarmed combat may be the only thing preventing you from becoming the next Punk Ass Bitch of the Mexican prison yard.

Jackhammer strongly encourages all his followers to turn their bodies into living weapons that nobody can ever take away from you. I’m not talking about some yuppie Tae Kwon Do Academy where you’re expected to bow to ten-year-old “black belts” who couldn’t fight their way out of a wet paper bag. None of that crap is going to help you in a real-world situation. If you don’t believe me, try throwing a flying roundhouse kick inside a crowded bar. That didn’t work? Sweep the leg, Johnny! No luck? I’m sorry 95% of all street fighters end up grappling on the ground… that’s just reality.

So forget all about those strip mall dojos. Trust me, you need to seek out military training from hardcore instructors who understand that you will be fighting for your life. Their only rule for unarmed combat should be “there are no fucking rules.” If your instructor adds any rules of engagement beyond that, then he is not a warrior and you must seek another trainer. Yes, you will have to steel yourself, mentally and physically. Are you willing to grab another man’s scrotum with your bare hand and crush his testicles into jelly? Are you willing to ram your thumbs through another man’s eye socket and twist them around inside his brain cavity? How bad do you want to survive?

Even with total dedication and unbending intent, it will take you several months of training to reach a minimal level of proficiency… so get started now. Remember, at the time of this writing the apocalypse is only six months away, so prepare for Thunderdome! Cover all your bases – and make a new best friend!

The Young and the Restless

The time has come for Jackhammer to throw a bone to the fans of daytime drama.

More specifically, Jackhammer has decided that henceforth he will be posting commentary and in-depth analysis of the Young and the Restless on the following site: http://www.cbs.com/shows/the_young_and_the_restless

I have decided to make this move in response to popular demand, and this is proof that I do appreciate and consider all the feedback I receive from my fans. You see, Jackhammer knew that many of you depended upon my wisdom to help you navigate through life… yet thanks to your letters, I have come to see that you would appreciate my guidance with the popular daytime drama as well.

I understand your confusion with the show. The Young and the Restless features multiple plot strands running concurrently, as well as a cast of 50+ complex characters – many of whom rotate in and out in (apparently) random order. Additionally, the social nuances of the diverse social and economic classes… the long and sorted histories of the characters… the intricate web of betrayal, deceit, and deception… it is perfectly understandable why you would want my help with this.

Jackhammer will therefore make all things clear to you, including these burning questions:

• Will Victor and Nikki ever reconcile? Hint: Jack and Kyle will not be a consideration!

• What are the implications of Phyllis telling Michael that she threatened her former psychologist? Hint: Unlike Heather, Michael’s new appointment has already put him on a power trip!

• Can Catherine convince Ashley to give Tucker another chance? Hint: Genevieve is a bigger factor than Catherine realizes!

• Will Neil be able to score with Harmony? Hint: Neil doesn’t know it yet, but he will have to compete with Sarge to win her heart!

• How come the marriage between Kevin and Chloe will never last? Hint: It doesn’t have anything to do with Angelina and Carmine!

• What is Ricky is planning to do to Daisy and Tim before he writes his tell-all book? Hint: Once again, Daniel won’t be able to save the day!

• Why Lauren is going to end up with Paul. Hint: Who makes her feel safe, and who makes her feel like she’s in even greater danger?

• Why Billy is going to get what’s coming to him – and lose little Johnny in the process. Hint: Victoria is acting more and more like her father’s daughter!

• Best of all, I will explain why Adam and Chelsea are the show’s real perfect couple!

I know this has whetted your appetite in a big way… so visit link above on a regular basis to read Jackhammer’s commentary! If you have any specific questions you would like me to address, please submit them to me and I will prioritize them by the number of submissions and respond to them as soon as I can. Enjoy!

A Clear and Present Danger

Jackhammer has held is tounge on this issue for long enough, and it is time to go on record. Everyone knows that I channel a lot of love and good advice in the direction of my followers, but I’m afraid this time I have a lot of finger shaking to do.

First, I must shake my fingers at the 95% of the nation who rushed to judgment on this issue without knowing all the facts, including some of my closest friends. I shake my finger at the highly biased liberal media, who have done everything they can to misreport any aspects of this case that do not advance their self-righteous social agenda. I shake my finger at all the politicians who exploited this tragedy for political gain, including President Obama. I shake my finger at every blogger, editorial writer, and talk show host who has reiterated their own bizarre fantasy version of what really happened, regardless of the facts – and this includes both liberals and conservatives.

Most of all, however, I shake my finger at Trayvon Martin and Mark Zimmerman.

As more and more evidence comes to light, it becomes obvious that Trayvon Martin was nothing but a dangerous thug who was reveling in the “gangsta” lifestyle. He was walking around alone at night, high on marijuana, suspended from school for truancy and drug possession. His Facebook photographs, showing him throwing up his gang signs, were quickly pulled down by his family. Worst of all, his immediate reaction to Zimmerman was to deliver what a witness described as a “savage MMA-style beating.”

Although this may surprise you, I must direct my most vigorous finger-wagging at Mark Zimmerman, whom I hold directly responsible for the course of events. Yes, Florida does have a Stand Your Ground provision embedded within its concealed carry laws. Jackhammer’s home state, in contrast, has a Duty to Retreat provision. This means that if you feel your life is in danger, you must leave the area if it is possible for you to do so. The only exceptions are detailed in the Castle Doctrine provisions, which exempt you from your Duty to Retreat if you are in your own home, your car, or your place of business. In those areas alone, concealed permit holders may stand their ground.

But my point is this: Zimmerman should have known that confrontations are only warranted if there is a clear and present danger. Martin, from all accounts, was not engaged in any obvious criminal activity that evening. The police had already been called. Nobody was being hurt, harmed, raped, or killed. No property was being vandalized or stolen. So why provoke a confrontation? Why take that unnecessary risk? It isn’t hard to see why Zimmerman had been fired from his job as a security guard for being too aggressive.

Jackhammer’s verdict is that Zimmerman is in a World of Shit, and that he brought it upon himself. Zimmerman also did great damage to the conservative cause by handing the liberals a Field Day… he delivered multiple opportunities for them to play their race cards, whine about racial profiling, inflame racial tensions, and challenge the Stand Your Ground provisions of the concealed carry laws. The worst, however, is still in the pipeline. When Zimmerman is ultimately acquitted and Florida burns in the ensuing riots, I will hitch that to his wagon too.

Dirty Little Secret

I know this blog has countless fans, but Jackhammer did receive a complaint yesterday from someone he cares about. “I love your blog,” she said, “but you definitely overdo it with the zombie stuff.”

Because this critic is near and dear to my heart, and because I am fully vested in the concepts of Truth and full disclosure, I decided that it is time for Jackhammer to come clean and reveal his dirty little secret.

First, however, it must be noted that Jackhammer is not the only one investing countless hours preparing for zombie attacks. Did you know that active duty soldiers pass long hours in their barracks talking about what should be done if a zombie walks through the door? How they would react if there was a zombie outbreak on their camp or base?

Did you know the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) has developed plans detailing the military response to such an incident? That the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published documents explaining how a zombie outbreak should be contained? Seriously, did you know that government agencies have spent taxpayer dollars designing elaborate plans for reacting to zombie infestations? Is all this a ridiculous waste of public funds?

In Jackhammer’s opinion, it is not. Jackhammer’s dirty little secret is that if you’re prepared for a zombie attack, then you’re prepared for anything. Furthermore, chew upon this: Is it wise to be branded a “survivalist” or a “prepper”? Do you really want your friends and neighbors to think you’re hunkering down, getting ready for the apocalypse?

The great thing about talking about zombie attacks all the time is that you get a Free Pass for being a crackpot. You can stockpile weapons, ammo, food supplies, water filtration equipment… whatever you think you will need in an emergency. As long as you tell everyone you’re preparing for a zombie attack, nobody takes you seriously. This is a good thing. This is why Jackhammer runs around his front yard stabbing watermelons with a bayonet on his AK-47. I encourage all my followers to behave in a similar fashion… seize every opportunity to be dismissed as a fool.

 

The End of Days

For as long as I can remember, people have been predicting the End of the World. I used to get excited about TEOTWAKI predictions, like the most recent one concerning December 21, 2012. Unfortunately, I have been burned so many times in the past that I no longer get my hopes up.

Lately, however, I have seen so many bizarre events that I do have to wonder if we are indeed standing on the brink of the apocalypse. Look at the signs…. Justin Bieber singing onstage with Santana… the death of Steve Jobs… Tim Tebow traded to the NY Jets…

It turns out that the surest sign that the End of Days are upon us materialized over Easter weekend… a man named Bubba has won the Masters golf tournament and donned the coveted green jacket. Jackhammer salutes Bubba Watson, the most unlikely of champions!

The Blue & Gray Show

It’s finally time! The Blue & Gray Show, the largest beer can collector convention on the East Coast, will take place February 15-19 at the Ramada Inn in Fredericksburg, Virginia. This is THE must-attend event for any avid collector of beer cans, beer bottles, beer advertising, beer labels, beer trays, beer signs, or any items related to beer. There will also be a hospitality room… where cold beer will be served 24 hours a day! The B&G is a little bit of heaven right here on earth.

This will be an extra-special week for The Jackhammer. As shown in the vintage family photograph, above, Jackhammer (left) and Leroy (right) have been vacationing together for quite some time… the photo is circa 1970. Both Leroy and Jackhammer will be attending the entire B&G event, along with many of our notable associates such as the infamous “Turd Ferguson” and “Bruz,” the Malt Liquor King. Since my favorite part of the event is getting to socialize with other collectors, much of my time will be spent participating in the room-to-room trading.

To add a historical perspective, the Blue & Gray Show rose from humble beginnings to become one of the most popular and successful shows in the United States; it has been running for over 30 consecutive years! The “Blue & Gray” name was coined in 1981 to accurately describe this meeting of beer-paraphernalia collectors from the North and South. This is why Civil War soldiers and cannon are placed on all flyers and logos pertaining to this convention.

The location of the hotel, as well as the facility itself, is ideal for the show. It features plenty of rooms and a large banquet hall (where we vote for the “Beer Can of the Year,” hear distinguished guests lecture on beer can construction, throw up in the trashcans, etc.). There is also plenty of space for trading tables on the convention floor.

This event is the best possible place to acquire new beer cans and brewery collectibles… all of Jackhammer’s followers are warmly invited to attend and participate in the buying, selling, and trading. More information on this historic event can be found at: http://www.bluegrayshow.com/