Ever since Cormac McCarthy’s novel “The Road” hit the big screen as a Hollywood movie, I’ve been besieged by fans seeking my analysis and commentary. As you know, the book is about a man and his son struggling to survive after a cataclysmic global event, commonly referred to by survivalists as “The Apocalypse,” or TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It).
I promise that many TEOTWAWKI-related issues will eventually be addressed in a series of forthcoming blogs, but I thought it wise to begin with the most important issue of all: Apocalypse Footwear. As you noted in the movie, most people’s feet were covered by several layers of plastic grocery bags. Hmmm…. not cool. Not cool at all.
Those of you preparing for TEOTWAWKI have already stockpiled cans of SPAM… hand tools… tactical bacon…. bottled water… dehydrated meals… but how much thought have you given to your feet? Are you sure you want to wonder the apocalyptic wasteland of a nuclear winter in your Sperry Topsiders? Are you sure those Birkenstock sandals are the best choice for traversing a landscape littered with decomposing corpses and disemboweled human organs?
If you’re honest, you’ll admit that you can do better. To make things easier for those seeking my advice and guidance, I have established four possible categories of Apocalypse Footwear:
Level Zero. I don’t need to say much about this. This includes athletic shoes, high-heels, penny loafers, flip-flops, office shoes, bedroom slippers, or anything else that is only marginally better than bare feet.
Level I. This is a very broad category that encompasses most “general purpose” boots. Blue collar workers, home handymen, and recreational outdoorsmen will have an advantage here… Level I boots are almost certainly lying around their house already. A good pair of heavy-duty steel-toed workboots will do just fine for stomping on zombie heads. Jackhammer wore this type of boot for years, but found them to be heavy, lightly-padded, and the leather absorbed a lot of water when I had to work outside in the rain.
At the upper end of the Level I spectrum are high quality hiking boots, like the ones pictured below. These offer additional advantages and capabilities, as they are designed to convey the wearer long distances through the wilderness. Compared to my blue collar “shit stompers,” these boots offer heavy padding, awesome traction in rough terrain, full waterproofing, and a breathable Gore-tex lining that wicks away sweat. While most hiking boots lack the additional protection of a steel toe, they are definitely a step up from workboots. Stockpile lots of extra shoelaces.
Level II. These boots typically cover the calf, and are designed to be worn by loggers, motorcyclists, and anyone else with a reasonable chance of suffering a traumatic injury to the lower leg in the course of their adventures. These boots typically have steel reinforcements (or other armor) in the ankles and toes, as well as dense padding in vulnerable areas like the shins. These boots are all about heavy-duty protection under extreme circumstances.
I have often mentioned that people who habitually travel on two wheels will enjoy a significant advantage after TEOTWAWKI. One of these advantages is that avid motorcyclists will already own a variety of rugged, weatherproof, protective clothing… such as Jackhammer’s pair of
Combat Touring Boots, pictured below. These boots have ridden over 50,000 miles through every imaginable terrain, through every conceivable weather condition. An annual coating of Tectron Sno-Seal keeps them impervious to water, snow, and sleet. Unfortunately, there are a few downsides. These boots are so thick and heavy that it took me several years to break them in. They require annual maintenance (Sno-Seal), and because they are neither ventilated nor breathable it is difficult for me to wear them more than a few days at a time during adventures that involve high temperatures – such as desert crossings.
Level III. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but lately boot technology has made a quantum leap forward. I’m talking about “tactical boots” here, the kind worn by military special forces and/or elite law enforcement teams. These are the boots worn by men who kick down doors and wade through puddles of blood and guts for a monthly paycheck.
Tactical boots are simply wonderful, inside and out – and your best bet if you want to survive during the apocalypse. The better ones have a polycarbonate “kick toe” instead of steel to save weight… these boots are engineered to kick down doors without damaging your foot. They have talon stabilizers to protect your ankles, anti-bacterial and moisture wicking linings, injection molded midsoles, and are heavily reinforced throughout the entire boot. Of course, they are constructed with layers of waterproof-breathable membrane, and are fully bloodborne pathogen resistant. You’ve seen SWAT guys wearing them… they look like this (pictured with 5.11 Sidekick Boot Knife).
Friends, you’re not going to survive very long unless you take care of your feet. Consider the nasty bloodborne pathogens you’ll be sloshing through while scavenging for supplies during a global pandemic. Consider the cold… the heat… the wet weather. Remember too that even a minor injury under apocalyptic conditions and lead to your death. Do you really want to deal with a sprained ankle that reduces your mobility when you’re being constantly pursued by legions of the walking dead? Or hordes of mutant bikers? Won’t you have enough to worry about without dealing with heat rash, fungus, infection, athlete’s foot, or a host of other problems on your feet because you were caught wearing wingtips when TSHTF?
Although this is my longest blog yet, I guess I might as well be thorough and answer one of the questions I’m asked the most. “Jackhammer,” people ask, “how many pairs of apocalypse footwear do I need”? Well… it depends on many factors, such as the anticipated length of the crisis, your intended course of action, and your operating environment. But let’s just say that I keep two pairs of Level III boots in my home at all times… one pair I wear frequently for training, and another other set as a back-up. I also keep two additional sets of Level III boots ready for action… one set tied to my Bug Out Bag (BOB), and a final set in my Bug Out Location (BOL).
While I consider four pairs to be the minimum, more would be even better. When those boots wear out, I’ll be wearing plastic grocery bags on my feet just like everyone else!
