Reaching Across the Isle

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Tea Party favorite Carl Paladino has encountered a few setbacks on his quest to become the next governor of New York State. Assuredly, 99% of all Americans have already concluded that this guy is nothing but a total asshole. However, I submit that this gentleman has been misunderstood. Carl Paladino is the perennial “missing link” between liberals and conservatives – making him an extremely valuable asset to our nation. We have finally found a man who can bridge the widening gap between democrats and republicans and move this country forward.

It is apparent to me that Paladino straddles the political arena like a Colossus… he has a foot firmly planted in each camp. Consider that Paladino has denounced homosexuality as an “abomination before God,” and condemned the private acts of gays as “sexually deviant.” He blasted his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, for taking his daughter to see a Gay Pride parade. Apparently Paladino thinks the sight of gay men gyrating against each other, wearing nothing but Speedos and jock straps, is an inappropriate spectacle for children. Those of you who have witnessed a Gay Pride parade know what he is talking about.

Paladino’s condemnation of homosexuality as “sexually deviant” has earned him big points from the conservative right, as well as the highly-coveted Tea Party endorsement. However, we must not forget that Paladino was busted for forwarding bestiality emails to various friends and acquaintances. More specifically, when Paladino ran across a video clip of a woman having sex with a horse, he personally thought that the video had enough merit to warrant widespread distribution. This proves that Paladino is a “closet liberal,” or at least a man who secretly harbors strong liberal tendencies. In light of this incident, many democrats suspect that Paladino might be pretty cool after all.

Consider too that Paladino loudly proclaims himself to be a champion of traditional family values. Promising to be the Great Defender of Family Values goes a long way with conservatives… campaign contributions continue to flood his coffers. However, we must not forget that Paladino has maintained a relationship with at least one mistress, probably more, in the great democratic tradition of JFK, Hart, Clinton, Ted Kennedy, etc., etc., etc. Paladino’s clandestine encounters became public knowledge after one mistress had his illegitimate baby, which only reinforces my claim that this man has ties to both parties. Paladino’s rhetoric wins him points with republicans because he tells them what they want to hear… but he is simultaneously able to “reach across the isle” and win points with the democrats by having steamy extramarital sex and fathering bastard children out of wedlock.

In his defensive posture, Paladino borrows a page from republican icon Glen Beck by shouting “I’m not perfect” every time someone calls him out for his behavior. Yet he is also able to reach across the isle to the democrats by endorsing their non-judgmental, morally bankrupt “whatever lifestyle choices you make are perfectly fine” philosophy. An asshole? No. This is the most bi-partisan politician we have seen in a long time… and our best hope for bringing people together and uniting this country. Let’s wish him success.

Where to Shoot a Zombie

I am posting this blog with a sense of urgency, because I have already waited far too long to address this topic and convey this essential information to my readership. Knowing the most efficient way to dispatch a zombie will soon be of paramount importance.

We’ve all seen movies where desperate citizens fire countless bullets into the chests of advancing zombies. They hammer away at “center mass” without effect, emptying their magazines, while the zombies continue to advance relentlessly. If you are one of the movie’s audience members who insists on shouting “shoot it in the head,” then shame on you. You are only watching a movie and the actors cannot hear you. However, if you are educated enough to know that zombies must be shot in the head then you are, at least, on the right track.

Zombies will only be neutralized if their brain matter suffers significant trauma after reanimation. But here is where you must learn that precision is important, especially if you are facing large numbers of zombies and ammunition is limited (which it always is). Forget those English and Japanese zombie movies written by dorks who have never seen a handgun in real life. Your gun will not fire all day long without reloading like it does in those movies. Trust me on this.

A trained gunfighter determined to survive a deadly confrontation will aim for one of two areas. These are the most critical and vulnerable areas on the human body… trauma in either of these areas will likely result in death. The first and most commonly targeted area is the Thoracic Triangle, which can be seen if you envision a triangle drawn between the adversary’s two nipples and his Adam’s apple.


Since body armor has become commonly available, criminals have begun wearing it more often in the commission of violent crimes. Consequently, any police officer will tell you that they also practice targeting the Cranio-Ocular Triangle… that is the target zone you must hit to neutralize an armored attacker or a zombie. In this case, envision a triangle drawn between the two eyebrows and the mustache.

I advise my readers to become intimately familiar with the Cranio-Ocular Triangle and, whenever possible, practice targeting this zone using appropriate paper or cardboard targets at the shooting range. A solid hit to this zone will cause the massive brain trauma necessary to render the zombie incapable of continued aggression. Conversely, hits outside of this area will have limited effects. Aim carefully, and make every shot count.