Monday, May 21, 2012

A Clear and Present Danger


Jackhammer has held is tounge on this issue for long enough, and it is time to go on record. Everyone knows that I channel a lot of love and good advice in the direction of my followers, but I’m afraid this time I have a lot of finger shaking to do.

First, I must shake my fingers at the 95% of the nation who rushed to judgment on this issue without knowing all the facts, including some of my closest friends. I shake my finger at the highly biased liberal media, who have done everything they can to misreport any aspects of this case that do not advance their self-righteous social agenda. I shake my finger at all the politicians who exploited this tragedy for political gain, including President Obama. I shake my finger at every blogger, editorial writer, and talk show host who has reiterated their own bizarre fantasy version of what really happened, regardless of the facts – and this includes both liberals and conservatives.

Most of all, however, I shake my finger at Trayvon Martin and Mark Zimmerman.

As more and more evidence comes to light, it becomes obvious that Trayvon Martin was nothing but a dangerous thug who was reveling in the “gangsta” lifestyle. He was walking around alone at night, high on marijuana, suspended from school for truancy and drug possession. His Facebook photographs, showing him throwing up his gang signs, were quickly pulled down by his family. Worst of all, his immediate reaction to Zimmerman was to deliver what a witness described as a “savage MMA-style beating.”

Although this may surprise you, I must direct my most vigorous finger-wagging at Mark Zimmerman, whom I hold directly responsible for the course of events. Yes, Florida does have a Stand Your Ground provision embedded within its concealed carry laws. Jackhammer’s home state, in contrast, has a Duty to Retreat provision. This means that if you feel your life is in danger, you must leave the area if it is possible for you to do so. The only exceptions are detailed in the Castle Doctrine provisions, which exempt you from your Duty to Retreat if you are in your own home, your car, or your place of business. In those areas alone, concealed permit holders may stand their ground.

But my point is this: Zimmerman should have known that confrontations are only warranted if there is a clear and present danger. Martin, from all accounts, was not engaged in any obvious criminal activity that evening. The police had already been called. Nobody was being hurt, harmed, raped, or killed. No property was being vandalized or stolen. So why provoke a confrontation? Why take that unnecessary risk? It isn’t hard to see why Zimmerman had been fired from his job as a security guard for being too aggressive.

Jackhammer’s verdict is that Zimmerman is in a World of Shit, and that he brought it upon himself. Zimmerman also did great damage to the conservative cause by handing the liberals a Field Day… he delivered multiple opportunities for them to play their race cards, whine about racial profiling, inflame racial tensions, and challenge the Stand Your Ground provisions of the concealed carry laws. The worst, however, is still in the pipeline. When Zimmerman is ultimately acquitted and Florida burns in the ensuing riots, I will hitch that to his wagon too.



Friday, May 11, 2012

Dirty Little Secret


I know this blog has countless fans, but Jackhammer did receive a complaint yesterday from someone he cares about. “I love your blog,” she said, “but you definitely overdo it with the zombie stuff.”

Because this critic is near and dear to my heart, and because I am fully vested in the concepts of Truth and full disclosure, I decided that it is time for Jackhammer to come clean and reveal his dirty little secret.

First, however, it must be noted that Jackhammer is not the only one investing countless hours preparing for zombie attacks. Did you know that active duty soldiers pass long hours in their barracks talking about what should be done if a zombie walks through the door? How they would react if there was a zombie outbreak on their camp or base?

Did you know the U.S. Department of Defense (DOD) has developed plans detailing the military response to such an incident? That the Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published documents explaining how a zombie outbreak should be contained? Seriously, did you know that government agencies have spent taxpayer dollars designing elaborate plans for reacting to zombie infestations? Is all this a ridiculous waste of public funds?

In Jackhammer’s opinion, it is not. Jackhammer’s dirty little secret is that if you’re prepared for a zombie attack, then you’re prepared for anything. Furthermore, chew upon this: Is it wise to be branded a “survivalist” or a “prepper”? Do you really want your friends and neighbors to think you’re hunkering down, getting ready for the apocalypse?

The great thing about talking about zombie attacks all the time is that you get a Free Pass for being a crackpot. You can stockpile weapons, ammo, food supplies, water filtration equipment… whatever you think you will need in an emergency. As long as you tell everyone you’re preparing for a zombie attack, nobody takes you seriously. This is a good thing. This is why Jackhammer runs around his front yard stabbing watermelons with a bayonet on his AK-47. I encourage all my followers to behave in a similar fashion… seize every opportunity to be dismissed as a fool.