Southern Man

 

Southern man, better keep your head
Don't forget what your good book said
Southern change gonna come at last
Now your crosses are burning fast…

From Neil Young’s “Southern Man”

Friends, it is with great shame that Jackhammer must admit that he was born a Yankee.  Yes, I was born on the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, which most people – even the trolls who live in lower Michigan – do not consider part of the United States.  Nevertheless, it is what it is… Jackhammer had no control over where he was born, but he does have control over where he lives now.  As Shakespeare once wrote, “the world is broad and wide.”  With so many options available, should Jackhammer consider relocating to the Great Lakes area?

The possibility of Jackhammer moving north was definitively nixed during my trip to Chicago last summer.  I spent an entire week basking on the shores of Lake Michigan… rediscovering the vicinity… becoming reacquainted with Northern culture.  It was during this week of profound inner reflection that Jackhammer finally realized that Thomas Wolfe was right… you can’t go home again.

Chicago sucks.  Why, you may ask?  What bothered me?  Simply put, it was only the big things and the little things.  The traffic was horrific.  The roads were apocalyptic.  The people were rude, and they wouldn’t look you in the eye.  Crime against law-abiding citizens was rampant, as vicious armed criminals were emboldened by the strictest gun laws in the United States.  The weather in Chicago was cold, foggy, windy, and rainy, even in June.  When Jackhammer finally headed south, the lake's shoreline was being pounded with 12 foot waves. 

Jackhammer quickly grew weary of aggressive bums panhandling in the streets… as well as their nasty attitudes when I refused to hand over my hard-earned money.  These democrats were everywhere, which made walking to my destinations without getting accosted challenging.  Worst of all, the people in Chicago didn’t have any cultural understanding… they didn’t even know that a hot dog “all the way” comes with mustard, chili, and onions.  Instead, they assume you want “the works,” and then hand you some fucked up shit like this:

Jackhammer may have been born in Michigan, but during this trip I realized that I have become a true Southern Man by the grace of God.  A person from the Chicago area, like Barack Obama, can never even begin to understand the way we think… where we’re coming from as we speak from the heart.  Obama's inappropriate remarks about how bitter Southern men cling to our guns and our Christian religion couldn’t be more true.  I embrace his intended insult, and think it ironic that Obama specifically targeted the two aspects of Southern culture upon which we will never compromise.  This should have been enough to alert me to the fact that Barack Obama and I will never share any common ground; clearly, we come from different worlds. 

 

Living in the South is more than smoky racetracks, pulled pork barbeque, apple moonshine, the Appalachian mountains, and grits with red-eye gravy.  It is more than gorgeous girls with tantalizing accents dancing to country music in skimpy halter tops, cowgirl boots, and Daisy Dukes.  Being "Southern" transcends our landscape, and even our cultural heritage… being Southern is a state of mind.  This is a place where the U.S. Constitution still means something… and to us, the individual freedoms guaranteed by that foundational document remain self-evident.  The Southeast is a place where men like me kneel together before the cross and worship without shame… we acknowledge Jesus Christ for who He is.  We teach our children right from wrong… we embrace personal responsibility, and hold ourselves accountable for our own successes and failures.  We do not embrace the "victim mentality" of socialism... we reject government intrusion into our lives... and we would rather die than change our way of life.

There may come a day when Jackhammer will point his Ford F-150 north and return to the Great Lakes region… but my heart will always remain in the Land of the Pines.  To the core of his being, Jackhammer has become a true Southern Man… and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I thank God for being so richly blessed.  Amen.